I mentioned in a prior Caregiver's Diary entry how my Mom and I had, despite usually keeping a good track of the calendar, managed to somehow schedule seven doctors' appointments within six weeks of each other, with the first one taking place the second week of September.
Once we figured it out, we had the option of rescheduling a few of them, but we opted not to, with the thought in mind that, assuming all of the (mostly routine) appointments go well, we get good news on the labs, biopsies, CT scans, etc., we can coast into the Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday seasons with fewer worries on our minds. That's what we're praying for.
Well, seven appointments turned into eight, because a biopsy that had to be done by my dermatologist showed some "moderately abnormal cells" (not cancerous, thankfully), which resulted in me having to go back to have a little more of the biopsied area removed. There are stitches there now, which caused me to have to make yet another appointment, which will be to have them removed in a couple of weeks. Needless to say, praying that the latest biopsy comes back benign.
Amid the juggling acts with all the appointments and online/offline responsibilities - not to mention trying to have a little downtime in between - some old feelings have once again crept back in related to self-doubts about my caregiving abilities.
I think this is something that happens to a lot of caregivers, especially if the person they are taking care of happens to be a family member and, in my mom's case, is someone who was a caregiver herself. The Serenity Prayer sometimes helps me get through days when the self-doubt lingers:
Have had to lean on the #SerenityPrayer a lot over the years, but especially the last few months. Between losing my dad & other situations out of my control, not to mention the occasional & mostly unnecessary drama, falling back on this has helped a lot. https://t.co/oSydUnjxlY pic.twitter.com/qp6FVNcwTC
— Sister Toldjah 💙 (@sistertoldjah) September 22, 2022
It's easy to think about what you have or haven't done, or to compare yourself to another caregiver, and feel like you've come up short. As I've talked about before, though I love and care for my family very much, caregiving does not come naturally to me as it did for her. I will always marvel at my mom's ability over the decades to anticipate problems before they happened, her knack for being able to turn our frowns upside down as well as nurse us back to health when we were sick, and her willingness to forgive us when my sisters and I would act out - provided we learned the lessons that needed to be learned from the experience.
One thing reaffirmed over the last 3 yrs in my family is *never* take one moment for granted. Cherish every minute w/ loved ones including the 🤗 & 💋 bc you never know what life will bring. Feeling blessed on #MothersDay w/ mom. 🙏🏻ing for many more & thanking God for her. 💙 pic.twitter.com/pRsUL2qtkx
— Sister Toldjah 💙 (@sistertoldjah) May 12, 2025
I think what perhaps sits heaviest on my mind related to Mom, outside of worrying about a cancer recurrence, concerns the "what ifs," something that I dealt with after we lost my dad in June of 2022. Except with Mom, the questions are more like, "Can I be doing more? If so, what?"
We had this conversation quite recently, in fact, and she told me to stop being so hard on myself. She's right, of course, because I think for some caregivers, feeling the need to be on top of every single aspect of care so you don't miss anything can lead to you setting unrealistic expectations of yourself in terms of what you can do and how well you can do what you already do - if that makes sense. It's something I have to work on a lot.
The common denominator whenever I get these feelings is that they typically rear their ugly heads when I get really tired and don't sleep well, which just so happens to be the case at present. But soldier on, we must, because Mom, praise Jesus, still has fight left in her, and so do I.
