Greetings from the sports desk located somewhere below decks of the Good Pirate Ship RedState. Although Sammy the Shark and Karl the Kraken only begrudgingly admit the existence of sports outside of hockey, others do exist. Most noticeably, the NFL season draws nigh, inevitably bringing on the usual anvil chorus of “I don’t watch them anymore since they went woke.” While everyone is free to do or not do as they wish sports watching-wise, it bears mention that NFL television ratings are soaring. I suspect a love for the game itself acted as de facto inoculation, building up a tolerance for the NFL’s woke fluff and nonsense. 

Not soaring is the rolling train wreck that is Anheuser-Busch’s effort to reintegrate itself with now-former Bud Light drinkers. As well chronicled here at RedState, the company has tried everything except the one thing that might work — the commonly used term is “apology” — for its major marketing misstep earlier in 2023 that has seen sales crater faster than the New York Mets’ pennant hopes. Money can’t buy you (or me) love is just as true today as it was when The Beatles sang it 59 years ago. Unlike football, where aside from the NFL---or its in everything but name minor league affiliate college football---the choices are slim indeed. There are multiple options in adult beverages, should one choose to imbibe. 

Still, give the blue can boys an E for effort in trying to reintegrate themselves with the beer-drinking public, even though the results of said efforts inevitably come in at one letter higher than the alphabet’s fifth member. The latest attempt taps (no pun intended) into Anheuser-Busch’s multi-year NFL partnership signed back in those oh-so innocent days of 2021 comes in the form of trying to convince fans a Sunday, or Monday, or Thursday, spent watching your team of choice isn’t complete with the correct apparel featuring your favorite franchise’s name right above … a Bud Light logo. 

The promotional text accompanying said apparel is something to behold. From a safe distance.

Get geared up for the upcoming (team name) season with this NFL x Bud Light T-Shirt. This Fanatics Branded gear is part of a sweet collaboration with Bud Light, ensuring you are more than ready to spend all Sunday watching football. Complete with exciting (team name) graphics, this soft cotton tee will have you ready to take in all the action.

Hear that, you ungrateful peasants? Sweet collaboration! One ensuring you are more than ready to spend all Sunday watching football! EXCITING GRAPHICS, YOU UNWASHED MISCREANTS! Now, shut up and drink the beer we tell you to buy. 

Speaking as a former marketing person who learned by doing, the problem in this campaign is attempting to tack on a secondary association to a primary product. This does not work. Ever. Assuming team pride/loyalty means willingly wearing something with your team’s name and a product with which no one wishes the association is chasing a fool star. There is a world of difference between a promotional giveaway at a game, said item bearing a sponsor’s name, and expecting people to shell out $34.99 for a t-shirt or $74.99 for a hoodie that will bring you nothing but ridicule should you wear it to your local favorite sports-oriented watering hole. Aside from the gag gift aspect, adding that 99.44 percent of all sports fans would, at this point, rather gag than associate themselves with Bud Light, I’m not seeing tremendous demand for this product line. 

A product line facing no such problem is the Lionel Messi Inter Miami FC jersey assortment. Messi is treating MLS like Secretariat treated the 1973 Triple Crown. As of this writing (August 16), Messi has scored nine goals in six games. He has scored in every single game he’s played for Miami---which before Messi’s arrival was quite dreadful. Miami has won all six games. The Dolphins might make Hootie and the Blowfish cry, but Messi has to be making them smile while prepping to look pretty in pink. Covering the Psychedelic Furs song is optional.