Massive Macho Turkey Terrorizes Cyclists and Strollers in DC

Charles Dharapak

Washington D.C. is full of turkeys, and this story only offers more proof.

As reported by the Daily News, a wild turkey is terrorizing District of Columbia denizens.

Just east of the United States National Arboretum sits the Kenilworth Gardens. Nearby is the Anacostia River Walk Trail.

Along the trail, the bedeviled bird has besieged bikers and amblers minding their own business.

In one instance, the beaked bully assaulted cyclist DeDe Folarin.

Speaking to Washington’s WRC-TV, DeDe recounted the ruckus:

“It was a scary situation. Just riding along the path, this gigantic turkey just…jumps up towards my face…almost clawed me in the face. Kind of knocked me off my bike. And then it proceeded to chase me around for like five minutes.”

The feathered freak went at a two-wheeling woman as well, and DeDe caught that altercation on tape.

She hollered for help, and daring DeDe took to task the taloned terrorist:

“I put the phone down, and I found…the biggest twig I could find. And I started whacking this bird. Like, I whacked him, like, twice. Feathers flew everywhere. He kind of…stepped off back into the brush.”

Per WUSA9, wild turkeys can weigh up to 40 pounds. Among the heavy hooligan’s victims, at least one scratched and slashed unfortunate has reported seeking urgent care.

To be clear, the fowl fiend is far from alone in the area: As relayed by NBC4, “There have been multiple sightings of…turkeys along the trail dating back to November.” However, the D.C. Department of Environment’s Dan Rauch believes all the attacks have come courtesy of the same snooded psycho.

Dan’s tried to catch the culprit with various turkey calls, but he’s failed so far.

Meanwhile, the massive menace is impressively macho:

“This is a male, so It’s a pretty large turkey. And when people see it, it will drop its wings. It will pop up to display. … If this turkey approaches you, I’d try to back up and move away. It is a big bird. They do have spurs. They can run, and they can fly.”

We’re living in targeted times. The past few years have seen a host of headlines heralding crazed critters:

2020 in a Nutshell: New York Sees a Series of Assaults by Vicious Squirrels

Sex Pistol Johnny Rotten Socializes with Squirrels, Gets Fanged by Fleas – in His Punk Rock Pants

Beehold: The Return of the Murder Hornet

Their Name is ‘Brood’: America Prepares for a Plague of ‘Trillions’ of Locusts

Because Of Course: A Gang of Monkeys Attacks a Lab Assistant and Escapes With Bottles of the Coronavirus

Man Minding His Business Gets Mangled by a Gang of Angry Otters

As for Washington’s wild wacko, wildlife authorities believe he’s simply defending his territory during breeding season. And what an enormous area it is: The raging romeo’s been sighted from the trail all the way to Maryland’s Bladensburg Marina.

Back to DeDe, WRC asked why he didn’t just run away.

As it turns out, it’s an insider TWA (Turkey With an Attitude) sort of thing; ’til you’ve peered into the eyes of the pecking Prince of Darkness, you won’t understand:

“They can be very aggressive, they’re very fast. You’ve just never been attacked by a turkey before.”

Scarred but smarter, Dede’s now “riding around with a small hatchet and…turkey basters.”

-ALEX

 

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