Long-time gun owners know it’s a fact: Pistols have problems.
The same applies, as it turns out, to Sex Pistols.
Hence, iconic rocker Johnny Rotten was recently bugged by his own hobby of helping the hapless — squirrels in near-treeless Southern California.
Johnny — who lives in Venice Beach — has taken to a group of the cute critters.
But as many have learned the hard way, fraternizing with fur raises your risk.
And at some point recently, getting up close and personal meant Rotten got raided by a parasite — in a profoundly personal place.
Speaking to the Daily Star, the punk rocker said he noticed a nagging itch in his nethers. Upon inspection, he found he’d been fanged:
“I looked down there this morning at my willy, and there’s a f****** flea bite on it.”
“[T]here’s another one on the inside of my leg.”
— New York Post (@nypost) November 23, 2020
The source seemed obvious, and his approach to the ailment’s been awful oily:
John, 64, endured his flea bites after he befriended a bunch of squirrels at his…home in Los Angeles, and has said he’s taken to smothering himself in Vaseline to ease his discomfort, because he doesn’t want to “blame the poor squirrels.”
He compared the lamentably-located hardship to homicide:
“The bites, wow, last night was murder because of it. The itching too. It’s such a poxy thing to get caught out on. The only way around it, because I’m not going to blame the poor little squirrels, is to Vaseline my legs.”
Which breeds a new concern:
“I just hope they don’t get the wrong idea.”
— Sex Pistols News (@SexPistolsUK) October 14, 2018
As for his animal affection, Johny’s a definite devotee of rambunctious rodents.
In his new book I Could Be Wrong, I Could Be Right, he wrote:
“I’m determined to keep my squirrel friends independent, y’know. There’s no petting. If they want to nudge up that’s fine, but I know it’s for a peanut and not because I’m lovely.”
Call his genital-jawing fleas love bugs:
“Wow, do [the squirrels] love me for [the food I buy for them]. I’m definitely spending a lot of money on these little f******.”
I labeled the little long-tails as “hapless” above, but really, Southern Californian squirrels are squared away. It’s true LA’s short on trees, but for the small scavengers, surely what it lacks in housing it more than makes up for in sustenance.
After all, if there’s one thing squirrels love even more than trees…it’s nuts.
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