Climate Change Warriors Order You to Prevent the Apocalypse — by Flattening Your Neighbor's Tires

Climate Change Warriors Order You to Prevent the Apocalypse — by Flattening Your Neighbor's Tires
(Laurent Gillieron/dpa via AP)

If you’re a wreck over inevitable climate catastrophe, rest easy: An activist group has come upon a way to extricate existence.

As posted to social media, environmental organization Adbusters is challenging America’s ecologically conscious to grab the apocalypse by the ego and deflate it.

Why let our spinning rock expire when we can radically rescue Mother Earth?

According to the Twitter thread, here’s how to reconfigure Creation’s fate…

Before you begin, find someone’s SUV…

  • First Step: Wedge a piece of gravel in the tire valve.
  • Second Step: Slap a leaflet on the dash to let them know.
  • Third Step: Walk away.

Who knew saving humanity could be such a cinch? One-third of the effort consists of simply leaving the scene.

“This is a gentle escalation of methods to drive the urgency of this climate crisis home and engender a systemic aversion to SUVs,” a tweet explains.


As for the flyer — which you’ll need to print — here’s how it reads:

It isn’t personal.

SUVs are disproportionately fueling the climate crisis. They’re the 2nd-largest contributor to increasing global CO2 emissions since 2010.

And they’re totally unecessary [sic].

The climate crisis is spiralling [sic] out of control, making drastic action necessary.
So we deflated your tires.

Walk, bike, take public transit if you have to.
But it’s time to end our reliance on these gas-guzzling behemoths.

For the wild,
The Third Force

I’m far from educated on the subject, but if my basic understanding is correct: They’d have an excellent idea, were Earth the size of a small neighborhood. And if everyone in that densely-populated area drove a sport utility vehicle. And if those machines were the sole catalysts of fast-approaching mass death. And if no one minded crimes being committed against them.

However, if everyone were driving SUVs, then no one would be left to stop them from doing so.

On the other hand, I could be confused. Plus, they point out that an escalation’s on order.

So for starters, maybe Adbusters only needs to get everyone in every U.S. neighborhood on board with the current campaign.

If those internal-combustion grievances can get aired out, we’re walking on the road to redemption. Up next: an easy-peasy elimination of other primary pollutants among 350 million Americans.

If they can check that off the list, then perchance all that’s left to reversing the mischief of man is convincing Asia to call it quits on industrialization. Adbusters will merely need to spread throughout the Chinese government and assert power over 1,000,000,000+ citizens.

From there, it’s just a hop, skip and jump to indoctrinating India — that population is a paltry one-billion-plus, too.

Once Adbusters has upended all of Asia — a neighborhood of not even five billion — success might well be within reach. Especially if they can add the complete compliance of the planet’s two billion or so stragglers.

For those dribbling toward the international layup of our above scientific salvation, good luck to you. But as for Steps 1-3 stateside, beware: A lot of Americans who drive large trucks also own guns.

Perhaps that’s why Adbusters is aiming its tired tactics toward the less blue-collar sort.

From the New York Post:

The group…told its followers to “start by targeting wealthy areas — our goal isn’t to disrupt workers — and avoid targeting vehicles with disabled stickers or hangers.”

It sounds as if they believe wealthy people don’t work. How did they get wealthy?

Regardless, it’s reportedly time to start the revolution. Per the Adbusters website:

Ecological catastrophe is fast approaching. Luxury emissions must be the first to go. The time for asking nicely is over.

One SUV at a time, let’s get this kind of doomsday machinery off the streets for good.

Get in touch with Tyre Extinguishers.

Will such a thoroughly thought-out plan work? Well, the tweets were made by a minimum of one person. So I’d give them at least a one-in-eight-billion chance.



****For online fact-checkers and other agents of assessment: This article contains sarcasm. I wholly condemn meddling with someone’s automobile and infiltrating international centers of power.


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