Ask any expert: The number one rule of self defense is “use what you have.”

A man in Nashville purportedly put that into practice recently, against the county cops.

And in that dire straits struggle, he could not be deterred — phonetically-speaking.

Well, he was a little bit — by maybe a few ounces.

Here’s how the Code Red allegedly went brown down:

Nicholas Newhart — identified in court documents as “John Doe” — was intoxicated outside Kid Rock’s restaurant/music venue in downtown Nashville, Tennessee.

Beer bottle in hand, he was blocking the emergency exit.

Security told Nicholas he’d need to move, but he wasn’t convinced they were right.

Subsequently, they flagged cops for help.

Apparently, Mr. Newhart took the officers’ approach as an attack.

Therefore, he employed the ol’ self-protection edict.

He may not have possessed a stick or a club, but there was one thing on his person that packed some punch.

Eschewing bottle use for a clearly more weapons-grade chemical attack, he went toe-to-toe with the armed officers by shooting from the hip.

When it came to superior fire power, he must’ve thought he had it in the bag.

Hence, Nicholas used the contents of his colostomy system.

From the country music capital’s WSMV:

Newhart took out his colostomy bag from the inside of his front pants area and started to swing the bag…

As you well know, much has lately been made of police being abusive.

Some have even likened law enforcement to Hitler’s paramilitary.

While most might consider that comparison absurd, at 221 Broadway Blvd., such a crappy analogy rang true — Nicholas turned the cops into Brownshirts:

…he started to swing the bag, hitting two of the officers with his feces.

Naturally, taking his makeshift fanny pack and unpacking it on a pack of police didn’t endear him.

He was arrested without further incident.

Call him a diaper Dapper Dan:

He could not stand straight on his own, his eyes were bloodshot and glossy, wet looking, with the smell of alcohol coming from his person.

Twitter’s Nashville Scanner reported on the events:

male took off his colostomy bag and started swinging it at others, some units have feces on them; this is third time i've heard this colostomy bag guy past two nights…

— Nashville Scanner (@ScanNashville) May 1, 2021

dispatch also advising central was out twice with this unit tonight, keeps refusing medical; well now, he is going to jail…

— Nashville Scanner (@ScanNashville) May 1, 2021

well kid rock is already marked off on the bingo card, and we did not have man flinging feces from his colostomy bag even in our distant thoughts as a possible call type…

— Nashville Scanner (@ScanNashville) May 1, 2021

dont think i’d want to be the transport car on this arrest…now where is that hot tub wagon…some officers may need to take a quick bath…

— Nashville Scanner (@ScanNashville) May 1, 2021

While the assault may not be typical, its location wasn’t necessarily unbefitting: The restaurant’s full name is “Kid Rock’s Big A– Honky Tonk & Rock ‘N’ Roll Steakhouse.”

Yes, yes, I’m sure you’re as shocked as we were. https://t.co/Zp1l3TZP22

— The A.V. Club (@TheAVClub) May 11, 2021

Either way, Nicholas Newhart — who, per NZ Herald, sports “a neo-Nazi ‘1488‘ tattoo on his forehead” — was charged with disorderly conduct, public intoxication, and assault on two Metropolitan Nashville Police officers.

A man was arrested after attacking police officers with his colostomy bag at Kid Rock's Nashville bar over the weekend. https://t.co/aS4B1gmX0I pic.twitter.com/pqheNSYsjM

— Consequence (@consequence) May 5, 2021

Perhaps the jailbird will be granted leniency if he agrees to work as an informant — you know, a stool pigeon.

-ALEX

See more pieces from me:

A Chinese Master Hails the Invigorating Effects of ‘Iron Crotch Kung Fu’

Plus-Size Model and Fat-Acceptance Activist Comes out as Anorexic

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Find all my RedState work here.

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