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Welp, there it is: the stoopidest thing you’ll read, today. Hopefully, anyway.

According to the North American Pet Health Insurance Association, seven out of every ten households in America — 90.5 million homes — own at least one pet. From unconditional love to emotional support, pets are a vital part of their owners’ lives. Many pet owners care for their pets as if they were family members.

Yep, from pit bulls to pussycats, we sure do love our pets. Just one problem.

If you truly love animals, you should forego pet ownership. Why? Because owning pets shows your callous lack of “empathy for animals” — according to Troy Vettese, an environmental historian and a research fellow at Harvard University, at least. Vettese argued in an op-ed published by The Guardian that pet ownership is pretty much awful for pets, from leading lonely lives to boredom to lower life expectancy.

The author compared a pet’s life to the “abominable misery” of a single child immured in a dungeon.

In her story The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas, Ursula Le Guin described a society where the joy of its citizens depended upon the “abominable misery” of a single child immured in a dungeon. Le Guin asked the reader if even great happiness could justify suffering.

Humanity’s relationship to animals is predicated on a similar utilitarian calculus. Like the town of Omelas, we have made a silent pact to dominate pets for our benefit, despite the cost to the pets themselves, to wild and farmed animals, and to our own morality.

Wait — You don’t suppose this guy is an elitist leftist, do you?

Pet ownership is simply bad for pets, Vettese believes, claiming that the animals are “harmed from the outset, regardless of whether they are sourced from puppy mills, the wild, or artisanal inbreeders.” Seems he “forgot” about pet rescue organizations, although I’m sure he’d argue that rescues are irrelevant because the rescued pets were permanently damaged by previous owners, making rescue meaningless.

Vettese’s dystopian view of the life of pets couldn’t be bleaker:

Often, African grey parrots and other “exotics” are captured from their habitats, and many die en route to the market. Puppy mills are plagued by high mortality rates for the young, while mothers are kept perpetually pregnant until they are discarded. Pedigreed animals, whose genetics are equivalent to the offspring of siblings, are often plagued by health problems during their truncated lives.

Other harms may similarly cut a pet’s life short. Dogs are often hit by vehicles, fall out of them, or bake in them. The equivalent to 6% of the American cat and dog population (8 million animals) are abandoned at shelters every year – half of whom are then killed. In some cities, the number of new shelter animals has soared as people give up their “pandemic pets.”

Many animals survive this war of attrition, but lead lives of loneliness. Recently, the German government mandated one-hour daily walks for dogs because many were not getting enough attention or exercise. Two in five African grey parrots pluck themselves (“feather destruction”) out of boredom, and most die years earlier than their natural lifespan. It is hard to fathom the boredom of pet fish. Although millions of animals are brought into this world solely for our pleasure, this dependence induces little reciprocity.

I bet this guy is the life of the party. Be fun to hang out with, I’m sure. Thing is, he’s even glummer. 

For example, your pet “suffers under the yoke” of your affection. That’s right, you despicable pet owner, you. Even worse, because of your selfish affection, pets harm both wild and farm animals. Oh, the humanity — wait. Oh, the animal kingdom! Let’s hop aboard this guy’s really crazy train for a minute:

If US pets were a country, they would rank fifth globally in terms of meat consumption – greater than Germany. Carnage at this scale is unnecessary because dogs can be vegan, yet only 1.6% are. (As obligate carnivores, cats are trickier.) Similarly, pet fish often could eat plants rather than the congealed remains of their pelagic cousins.

Pets are not always passive participants in the butchery of other animals. Cats have extinguished 63 species worldwide. The average feral cat in Australia kills 390 mammals, 225 reptiles, and 130 birds per year. Dogs are almost as ecologically destructive, presently endangering 200 species worldwide.

Wait, wut?

Aside from the meat “carnage” silliness, does this guy understand that cats are predatory by nature? That includes large cats, as well, of course, like lions. Perhaps Mr. Vettese should take a long leisurely stroll through the Serengeti in Tanzania and “get back” to us. [rolling-eyes emoji]

Vettese also babbled on about how much our pets cause physical and “psychic” wounds to us, as well. From dogs killing 25,000 people in the world (mostly by rabies) yearly to spreading monkeypox, brain parasites, ringworm, and Lyme. Oh, and dog poop is the “dominant source of aerosolized bacteria” in America’s cities because lazy owners only scoop about half the time.

I think I’m done with this. Besides, “Max” just walked into the room and looked up at me suspiciously, as if to ask me what I was writing about. After a second of quick thinking, I told him it was a heartwarming story about a conservative political pundit and his dog.