Because Nothing Says 'Thanksgiving' Like a COVID Rapid Test and Appetizers

AP Photo/Taimy Alvarez

It’s not just Thanksgiving. Tomorrow is the official launch into the Holiday season; doesn’t matter if you celebrate a particular holiday or not. Now that the Ministry of Fear, otherwise known as the legacy media, cannot scare us into not gathering over the holidays, they need to find ways to explain to us how we must be careful, that we must limit our gathering, and if we do gather, do it outside, do it with masks, or limit your social circle to people who are vaccinated or “safe,” whatever that means.


Of course, what they really want is that you not gather at all. To that I say they can go take a long walk off a short bridge. Really, nobody cares about their opinion anymore. But it’s still quite hilarious to see them twisting in the wind trying to control people’s behavior, while still invoking the fear of Holiday COVID spread.

This bit of madness, courtesy of CBS This Morning, won Brad Slager’s Distinguished Service award for his Pulitzer parodies, it was that good.


So, if it feels like it’s going to be weird, maybe make it kind of fun. Say, we’re going to start with hors d’oeuvres in the garage, you know, we’ll have drinks, we’ll do our rapid tests – and then c’mon in. You can make it playful, make it fun.”

Nothing says, “Fun with good friends and family” like appetizers and a COVID rapid test in the garage! These folks really know how to part—oh, wait….

Our Editor-at-Large Kira Davis filled in for Dan Bongino’s Radio Show today, and she was fire. She said this, and I wholeheartedly agree: The Left loves to be miserable. As the saying goes, “misery loves company.” So, instead of allowing themselves to be pulled out of their miserable state, they want to drag you down to theirs.


Sorry, not having it.

If this vaccine nonsense is doing anything, it’s helping us to cull the herd in terms of our social interactions. You wanting to know about my vaccine or health status in order to be around me, means that I don’t need to be around you! No one needs that kind of negativity in their lives—so bad for the immunity.

Ultimately this is the universe saying that these are not the kind of people you want in your life, so it’s probably time for them to go. Granted, it’s kind of complicated when it’s your family, but in terms of “friends” and colleagues, maybe think of it as one less “Holiday” card to send.

So, if you receive an invitation from your friend or family member that warns you ahead of time that in order to interact with them this Holiday season, it will require a rapid test before entering their home, let me suggest the following:

  1. Gather a lighter and a bowl. Best to maybe do this outside.
  2. Set up your phone on a selfie stick or tripod.
  3. Open up Instagram, Tik Tok or the video option on your phone. Start recording.
  4. Smile, thank them for the invite to Thanksgiving, their holiday party, whatever… then let them know you’re declining their invitation.
  5. Light it on fire and drop it in the bowl, smile wickedly as the flames grow. Then look into the camera and wish them a Happy COVID—and friendship free Holiday!

If the host decides to be deceptive, what can you do? If you arrive, and they want you to repair to the garage and take a rapid test, go ahead and immediately start to slam down some appetizers—heck, you took the time out of your busy life, and probably drove through bad traffic to get there, so you might as well get a little food and drink out of it.

If catering is serving the hors d’ouerves, grab several with your hands, and knock a few off the serving tray just for grins and giggles. If it’s buffet style, be sure you touch everything: pick up veggies from the crudité tray, examine them closely, sniff them, then set them back down again. Maybe sample the wine, or harder stuff, straight from the bottle. Do some double dipping with the chips and guacamole! Instead of using the utensils to pick things up, liberally use your hands, then wipe your hands on your pants or skirt. For impact, maybe sniff loudly and wipe your nose before you do that.

In other words, do your best to channel the energy in one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies:

If the host hasn’t kicked you out by now, and wants to still administer the rapid test, wait until they approach you. Once they are close, scream at the top of your lungs, “My body, MY CHOICE!” and walk out. Don’t forget to take a nice bottle of the liquor with you.


I mean, if someone is going to serve up this kind of comedy, you may as well get some more comedy out of it for your troubles—that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!

Have a Happy Thanksgiving with your family and those you love. Sometimes they’re not the same people! I hope it is full of food, fun, and rapid test free.


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