I need to start this piece with a confession: I have made — on more than one occasion — decisions that, in hindsight, were rather unwise. But I suppose that's why they call it hindsight, no? I'm not certain, had I fully comprehended the scope and implications of a surveillance state at the time, that I would have so willingly spit into a test tube and sent my DNA off to some lab for testing, but indeed, I did. And the reason I did is rather petty. 

I blame Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA). Actually, I blame myself and my ego and pride and pettiness, but it was her repeated assertions regarding her purported Cherokee ancestry and the subsequent revelation that DNA testing showed her to be 1/1024th Native American that set everything in motion. (Note: Currently available information now says she's between six and 10 generations removed — six generations would be 1/64th, while 10 would be 1/1024th. I am not sure why that has changed since the initial announcement in 2018, but I'm quite certain the 1/1024th was emphasized at that time because that is what prompted what I did in response.)

Upon hearing this revelation, I indignantly thought, "That's dumb — I'm probably more Native American than she is." So, I took a DNA test and discovered that, in fact, I may well be — I'm 1/256th Native American, which I suppose would put my indigenous ancestor eight generations back. Take that, Elizabeth! 

In retrospect, perhaps I shouldn't have so willingly offered up my DNA "to a random website that now has full copyright and unregulated access to my genetic code for the rest of time." 

Don't send your DNA to anyone Dumbass pic.twitter.com/J85qInUTgH

— Not A Number (@myhiddenvalue) October 13, 2024

But what's done is done — as I said, hindsight. I will say there was a silver lining to this foolhardy endeavor: Because of it, I discovered that I have two "bonus aunts," I otherwise would never have known — both of whom are lovely people. So there's that. 

And since I'm one of the not-so-subtly-alluded-to dumbasses from the above video, I'll also share that, unsurprisingly, I learned that I'm 97 percent Northwestern European (72 percent British/Irish; 24 percent French/German; with a smattering of "Broadly Northwestern European) — your standard Euro-mutt. The other roughly three percent? A dollop of Spanish/Portugese — Tapas! — a dash of West African, and a smidgen of Ashkenazi Jew, Indigenous American, and North African.

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What does any of this have to do with Christopher Columbus other than the fact that he's been given the heave-ho for "Indigenous Peoples Day" in some quarters? Well, I'll tell you. I'm not the only one whose DNA has been lab-tested. Columbus' has, too. Of course, he's been dead and gone for half a millennia, so he's probably not terribly worried about the surveillance state or some nefarious plot to use his genetic code for ill. 

Nevertheless, the results of said testing show that Columbus may not even be the Italian he's long been thought to be, but one thing he is definitively...is Jewish. 

Spanish scientists announced in a new documentary that first aired on Saturday that DNA analysis shows the 15th-century explorer Christopher Columbus was a Sephardic Jew from Western Europe. 

The documentary titled, "Columbus DNA: The true origin," which aired on Spain's national broadcaster TVE, showcases the research of a 22-year investigation led by forensic expert Miguel Lorente, Reuters reported. 

...

"We have DNA from Christopher Columbus, very partial, but sufficient. We have DNA from Hernando Colón, his son," Lorente said in the documentary. "And both in the Y chromosome [male] and in the mitochondrial DNA [transmitted by the mother] of Hernando there are traits compatible with Jewish origin."

...

Columbus was traditionally believed to have come from Genoa, Italy, though historians also had theorized him as being a Spanish Jew or perhaps Greek, Basque, Portuguese or British. Lorente's study analyzed 25 possible locations, but ultimately could only conclude that Columbus was born in Western Europe, Reuters said.

I feel like this revelation is bound to disappoint my Italian friends. You think you know a guy...