It's a Conspiracy!

The Russians hacked the DNC to help Donald Trump win the presidency. Ted Cruz’s dad conspired with Lee Harvey Oswald to assassinate President JFK. Hillary and Bill Clinton’s woes are the fault of a “vast right-wing conspiracy” that continues to victimize her to this day. Dark money from the Koch Brothers will determine the outcome of the election. And of course, Obama is secretly a Muslim from Kenya.

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have done a passable job breathing new life into old conspiracy theories and inventing a few new ones. However, the theories seem a little stale even when delivered with the appropriate level of outrage.   A serious conspiracy theory should involve, at the very least, FEMA, the Council on Foreign Relations, Masons, the Pope, media collaborators, Monsanto, and people we thought were dead. There should be lasers, offshore accounts, tampered juries, midnight legislation, and decoder rings. We need superior subterfuge, more machinations, bigger cabals.

The dry state of conspiracy theories needs you to apply yourself to the task of concocting conspiracy theories that are actually worth the tinfoil hat. Now is the time to apply the underappreciated skill of postulating the improbable.

It’s intimidating to start a conspiracy theory from scratch, especially if you’re used to thinking logically, but you don’t have to duplicate the unhinged lunacy of a morning talk show host on your first try. We’ll help you get started. www.conspiracymadlibz.com enables theorists to create fresh, new conspiracy theories from five templates and a generous list of collaborators, institutions, locales, means, and ends.

Without fresh conspiracy theories this election, all we’re likely to hear about is how the Establishment is behind everything. That’s a real yawner and not enough Americans are buying it. A new survey out of Fairleigh Dickinson University found voters of both parties believed in conspiracy theories but Trump supporters were far more likely to believe in such theories than other groups. Unfortunately, that means there are millions of Americans who still believe the truth. The problem may not lie with voters, frankly, but with the conspiracy theories themselves. Boring, single plot lines and tired, overused characters are just not believable. Like a fourth sequel to a mediocre original, no one will even try to suspend belief.

If ever there was a time to suspend belief, it is now. We desperately need something to distract us from the sad truth of this election. Without something on which to blame it all, we might accept some responsibility. You don’t have to be a demagogue or a nut job to make a difference. You, too, can be a conspiracy theorist.

Krista Kafer ([email protected]) is co-host of “Kelley and Kafer” airing 4 to 7 p.m. on 710 KNUS.