This week saw a lot of frankly confusing drama with regard to the announcement that Andrew Jackson would lose his featured spot on the $20 bill to Harriet Tubman in 2020. Furious fury mongers tried to whip up outrage on both the Left (who sought out conservatives that were angry about the change) and the Right (those people who for reasons that escape me are actually upset about this).

The move is a big win for feminists and black activists, each of whom fought to get a pro-Second Amendment Republican woman on the currency. However, the biggest loser in all this isn’t Andrew Jackson, who is surely going to rise from the dead and kick all of our asses, but the LGBT movement.

So, here’s what I propose: The creation of a new bill solely to accommodate the LGBT community, who have been really clamoring for accommodations lately anyway. It will be a three-dollar bill and it will feature America’s first gay president, which you didn’t even know we had, did you?

Well, we don’t really know that we had a gay president, but we’ve got a pretty good idea that James Buchanan was gay. He was what folks used to call a “confirmed bachelor” – went through his entire adult life having never been married. He was engaged once, but the woman committed suicide under strange circumstances. He never got engaged again.

In fact, we even have evidence he played for the other team. Here is a excerpt from an alleged correspondence with a confidante:

“I am now ‘solitary and alone,’ having no companion in the house with me. I have gone a wooing to several gentlemen, but have not succeeded with any one of them. I feel that it is not good for man to be alone; and should not be astonished to find myself married to some old maid who can nurse me when I am sick, provide good dinners for me when I am well, and not expect from me any very ardent or romantic affection.”

We also know that Andrew Jackson, the third manliest of all our presidents, referred to Buchanan as “Aunt Fancy,” because of course he did.

If we want to change our currency to make it more palatable and representative of the diversity of American culture, then we need this new currency in our wallets. Shame on the Obama Administration for not recognizing this need and pushing forward with the opportunity to include the gay community in our economy.