Serial Man-Dumper Taylor Swift Might Be the Sign of the End of Western Civilization

AP Photo/Ed Zurga

Taylor Swift isn’t the anti-Christ, but I’m leaning toward her being a psych-ops plant. Probably a Manchurian candidate of some sort. Ok, Media Matters, if you still exist when the assigned “RedState” intern reads this, I am kidding. Kinda. Maybe she’s not intentionally destroying Western civilization, but she is turning men into 12-year-old girls.

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Swift started dating Travis Kelce and my thought was how long before she dumps him and writes a song about it. Then, when she was deeply ensconced in the relationship and showing up to his NFL games, the broadcasters seemed to be making a conscious effort to get her on the screen as often as humanly possible. It was like a line change in the NHL. About every 45 seconds, I’d be subjected to a cut to Taylor Swift. What was she eating in her sky booth? Was she blowing kisses to Kelce or fans? If Kelce was on the field and involved in a play, they’d cut to Swift for a swift reaction. I guess I can’t blame the NFL -- they want new fans, and it seemed logical that if Swifties followed her every move, there might be more eyeballs on games if broadcasters cut to her at least once a minute. The Super Bowl was a super-cut of the field, then to Swift, then back to the field.

One of my relatives loves her music and attends her concerts. Yes, she’s gone to those super expensive shows. She has Swift’s songs on repeat. Is there a hidden message if you play her tunes backward, like a Beatles song? I don’t know. It is beyond my comprehension why anyone -- let alone a man -- would buy her music. What music people like is subjective, but her music objectively sucks. 

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Swift’s popularity is 90 percent based on her breakups with boyfriends. Prior to Kelce she was dumping boyfriends faster than an Olympic sprinter could run 100 meters. Like this line: 

“Like, oh-my-god, he was, like, so mean,” and “we are never, ever, ever, ever getting back together – like, ever.” An actual line. 

 
 

She also had a banner hanging in The Staples Center right next to the Lakers championship banners. It was taken down, but that was long before her latest billion-dollar grossing tour. Gross. 

Now Swift is in Europe. I don’t know if Kelce is with her. I haven’t seen any “This is what Taylor’s man is doing now" news, but I did see this disheartening video.

God help us, Swift has man-fans. I guess you can call these guys men. Sorta. They may be men in name only because, they are acting like 12-year-old girls. The only positive is that this clip is from England and those guys are presumably Euros. If you haven’t guessed, I’m not a Swift fan. When I am cartooning, I listen to music, and when I instruct “Alexa” to play a music mix from, say, 2013, and it starts with a Swift song, I instruct Alexa to move on to the next. By doing so, I am probably on an NSA watch list

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[W]hat key does she sing in? Is that G? Or something she invented so tech guys could better autotune to her insipid, flatter-than-a-silicon-wafer, sharper-than-a-Ginsu whine? I’m sure she sounds “like, totally awesome” in a studio but she’s supposed to be “incredible” in concert. 

I hope that video is an aberration. I hope that there weren’t thousands of “guys” at her concerts singing along to a woman who dumps men like a snake sheds skin.

If, in the future, men are composing a significant minority of her American concert crowds, we are doomed.

Alexa never play Taylor Swift music ever, ever, ever again... like, ever”

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