If you haven’t heard by now, legendary Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein has been unmasked as a serial sexual harasser and predator by no less than the New York Times. (Heck, even I heard about this, and I’m supposed to be on a social media fast in the Caribbean.) He pre-emptively retained Lisa Bloom, feminist attorney and daughter of Gloria Allred, to do damage control. Her words in the NY Times article were not just laughable; they were unbelievable.

Harvey couldn’t let her hog the entire idiot spotlight, though. His own statement to the Times – which surely went through Bloom or perhaps was even crafted by her – set a new standard for non-apologies.

As Caleb magnificently covered earlier, it is a treasure-trove of virtue signaling and excuse making. Weinstein also offers an indulgence to the gods of progressivism – to bring down Wayne LaPierre, the NRA, and Donald Trump by the power of his film-making skills.

On the assumption that Bloom penned this new low in damage control, I’m sharing with our readers what I believe Harvey’s comments would have been when she asked for edits.

“I came of age in the 60’s and 70’s, when all the rules about behavior and workplaces were different. That was the culture then.  (FREE LOVE, people. FREE LOVE! Those were the days…)

“I have since learned it’s not an excuse, in the office – or out of it. To anyone.

“I realized some time ago that I needed to be a better person (the board members and attorneys realized that, not me, tbh) and my interactions with the people I work with have changed (as far as YOU know).

“I appreciate the way I’ve behaved with colleagues in the past has caused a lot of pain (blah blah blah, blah blah blah), and I sincerely apologize for it (trying really hard to not roll my eyes here).

“Though I’m trying to do better, I know I have a long way to go. That is my commitment.  My journey now will be to learn about myself and conquer my demons (air quotes are missing… and is this phrase still en vogue? whatever signifies that I have a deep-seated, Freudian-ish issue that requires therapy, not just that I’m a pervert and predator.). Over the last year I’ve asked Lisa Bloom to tutor me (again, air quotes are missing!) and she’s put together a team of people. I’ve brought on therapists (hot yoga therapists!) and I plan to take a leave of absence from my company (to Europe and other places where this type of thing is OK – hey Polanski! Got an extra room?) and to deal with this issue head on (did you just say I get to deal with it with — nvm).

“I so respect all women (meh, not all – the ones who work behind the camera are woof! Only “respect” when they’re big chested, young, and nearly clothing-free) and regret what happened. I hope that my actions will speak louder than words (or at least my political contributions will get me off here… heh, “get me off” – see what I did?) and that one day we will all be able to earn their trust and sit down together with Lisa to learn more (Oh, God, is that really part of my penance, Lisa? I swear, I’ll never proposition you again… some things are a bridge too far.).

“Jay Z wrote (it’s good to use him, since Beyonce is his wife and all, and it’ll help me connect to Millennials) in 4:44 “I’m not the man I thought I was and I better be that man for my children.” The same is true for me. I want a second chance in the community (I’m not sure I’ll be able to say much more of this before I vomit) but I know I’ve got work to do to earn it. I have goals that are now priorities.

“Trust me, this isn’t an overnight process (so don’t expect too much of me). I’ve been trying to do this for 10 years (so, obvs don’t expect it too soon) and this is a wake-up call. I cannot be more remorseful (haha will they really believe this? SUCKERS) about the people I hurt (pfft, I never hurt anyone) and I plan to do right by all of them (ever heard of the term blackball?).

“I am going to need a place to channel that anger so I’ve decided that I’m going to give the NRA my full attention. (YES! Brilliant, Lisa!) I hope Wayne LaPierre will enjoy his retirement party. I’m going to do it at the same place I had my Bar Mitzvah. I’m making a movie about our President (should I really call him our President? what happened to #Notmypresident?), perhaps we can make it a joint retirement party. One year ago, I began organizing a $5 million foundation to give scholarships to women directors at USC. (Ungrateful bitches.) While this might seem coincidental, it has been in the works for a year. It will be named after my mom (aww, yes, lure in those people who have a soft spot for ol’ mom) and I won’t disappoint her.”

Too late, Harvey. Pretty sure you already disappointed her.