Darren Aronofsky's Noah

“[W]e might should consider burning at the stake any Christian leader who endorses this movie.”

I don’t get all the claims of radical environmentalism in Noah. I saw it last night. I did not draw out of it the environmentalism. In the movie, Noah took the position that all mankind had corrupted the earth with sin and God intended to wipe them all out. Noah presumed God would wipe him and his family out too once all the animals were saved. Sure, Noah was a vegetarian and the bad guys are meat eaters who do to the earth what Saruman did, but I don’t really see the whacked out radical environmentalism. It’s more thematic of man’s sin polluting everything.

The film is a remarkable display of special effects. It is also one of the funniest comedies I have seen in a very long time. Aronofsky deserves a great deal of praise for turning a serious subject into a non-stop laugh fest of techno-electro music, orchestral scores, blasting special effects, and even rock monsters.

Therein lies my chief problem with the movie. The advertisement campaign tried to ease Christians’ nerves that all would be well, artistic license was taken, but the movie would be faithful to the story. If they hadn’t tried to con Christians into the movie, I wouldn’t have a problem. It was a pretty awesome sci-fi spectacle complete with Ent like rock monsters, a super powered Methuselah, glow in the dark space alien Adam and Eve, and Hermione Granger. “God” is never mentioned. He is referred to throughout as the “Creator”. I get that a director has to fill a two hour movie based off of a couple of chapters in the Bible, but holy cow!

The premise is pretty straight forward. Noah descends from the line of Seth. The serpent in the Garden of Eden shed its snake skin, which had magical properties that flowed from father to son. As Noah’s father was about to pass the magical powers off to Noah, Noah’s father is attacked by Cain’s descendent, killed, and Noah runs away. Cain’s descendent, soon to be King Cain, takes the snake skin unaware of its magical properties.

In flash back we see that Adam and Eve were glow in the dark space aliens who became fully flesh once Eve bit into the fruit.

I am not kidding.

Noah grows up and — herein is a problem — somehow in the barren wasteland in which he lives has found a wife and has three sons. He has a wicked cool dream that convinces him he must seek out his grandfather, Methuselah, who lives in a mountain, because the Creator is going to destroy the planet.

Noah and his family cross a Mad Max line wasteland of rubble, pipes, skulls, and destruction. They save Hermione Granger, but are attacked by Cain’s kinfolk.

Noah and family rush past a mountain of skulls and are attacked by giant rock monsters. The rock monsters hate people. Turns out they are fallen angles who decided to take care of Adam and Eve once the “Creator” cast them out of Eden. To punish them, the Creator covers them in lava making them rock monsters. They protected Cain’s folks until the people turned on them. Only Methuselah with his magical powers and flaming sword could protect the rock monsters from men. The rock monsters are rock like Ents, but behave like the green space aliens in Toy Story. They always look up and sing “the Creator” instead of “the Claw”

I am not kidding.

In any event, a good rock monster helps Noah and his family find Methuselah. There is no explanation for why Noah has left the green area of his grandfather for a harsh, volcanic desert. But there you have it. Anthony Hopkins … errrr … Methuselah lives in a cave up a mountain. He invites Noah to tea, giving Noah hallucinogenic tea. Noah learns he must build an ark in the barren wasteland that has no trees anywhere at all.

That’s okay because Anthony Hopkins … errrr … Methuselah has a magic seed from the Garden of Eden. Noah and the rock monster plant it.

I am not kidding.

The next day, the bad rock monsters show up to take the good rock monster away. But the magical seed sprouts a fountain in the middle of the ground. As the water flows from it, trees shoot up. Everywhere the water touches new green life sprouts. Noah realizes God has given him the trees to build the ark.

So the rock monsters build the ark.

It’s okay. They have multiple hands so they can strip branches with one set of hands while sawing and hammering with other hands.

I am not kidding.

Eventually, Ham gets horny and lusts after Hermione, who is in love with Shem. But Hermione is barren so she won’t sleep with anybody. Ham wants a wife for himself because he gets tired of spying on Shem and Hermione’s heavy petting in the forest.

When King Cain shows up to fight Noah for the Ark — attracted by all the trees and water — Ham goes in search of a wife of his own. Meanwhile, Anthony Hopkins … errrr … Methuselah uses his magical powers on Hermione to make her fertile. She in turn immediately chases after Shem, strips and rips off Harry Potter’s Shem’s clothes, and they have sex right there under the trees.

I am not kidding.

Ham finds his own girl in a mass grave. She’s still alive.

I am not kidding.

It starts to rain, everybody runs back to the Ark, King Cain decides to attack, Ham’s girl gets caught in a bear trap, Noah lets the girl die in a stampede of people, and the rock monsters start beating the hell out of the humans.

The humans overpower the rock monsters, each of whom explode in terrific fashion as their angelic fallen selves rocket back up to Heaven forgiven.

I am not kidding.

Water bursts forth from the ground, everybody drowns, but King Cain is able to climb the scaffolding, use an axe to hack into the Ark, and hide himself known only to Ham.

Everybody dies except the folks on the Ark. They have managed to get all the animals to sleep with incense that does not also put themselves to sleep. Noah then announces they too will die. Hermione announces she is pregnant. Noah announces he will kill her kids.

Noah has decided even his family must die because all mankind is sinful.

Shem builds a second ark/raft for himself and Hermione, but Noah has magical glowing rocks that he can turn into fire. He burns up the mini-Ark as Hermione goes into labor.

I am not kidding.

Ham and King Cain kill the unicorns on the boat, splatter the blood on Ham, and Ham runs up to his dad before Noah can kill his grandkids. Ham says the animals are awake eating each other. Noah runs downstairs, King Cain attacks Noah, Shem attacks Noah, Ham stands back watching them kill each other, and the boat hits a rock.

I am not kidding.

King Cain gets injured, Ham finishes him off, Shem is knocked out, and Noah races upstairs to kill his grandkids — twin girls.

Hermione Granger convinces Voldemort Noah she needs to sing the Weasley twins a lullaby to get them to stop crying before Noah spears them in the head. They go quiet, Hermione cries, the Noah decides to kiss the kids instead of killing them.

They all get off the boat, Noah moves out and retires to the beach, grows grapes, and gets drunk and naked in a beach cave. The oldest and youngest kids cover him up and Ham just glares, still bitter than Dad let his potential wife get stampeded over by Cain’s clan. Ham, it turns out, has taken the magic snake skin from King Cain, who had taken it from Noah’s dad way back when.

I am not kidding.

Ham packs up and leaves to be alone forever. Hermione convinces Noah that the Creator picked Noah so Noah could decided if man would die out or continue. Noah sobers up, heads up the mountain to play footsie with his wife in the dirt, then reactivates the magic in the snake skin and passes the magic on to his twin granddaughters.

A big rainbow bursts forth and the movie ends.

I am not kidding.

I laughed my butt off the whole way through. You probably just want to wait till it is in Netflix. Not sure it is worth it for anyone who takes the Bible seriously. I expect the left hail it as a breakthrough with a great new interpretation. Rachel Held Evans will probably hold repeat viewings of it to discuss the feminist implications of this Biblical account, which is no doubt more faithful than the original version.

If the producers had framed this movie as a “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” allegory, that’d be one thing. But to say it is faithful to the Book of Genesis is just pandering with a lie on the end.

I’d wait to see it if I were you. Also, we might should consider burning at the stake any Christian leader who endorses this movie. The book is always better.

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