The Dysfunctional Media Award Nominations: Unicorn Views, Illegal ESPN Dues, and Aerobic Protest Shoes

The Remmys. (Credit: Brad Slager/ChatGPT)

It is time again for a new round of nominations for nefarious news nonsense! In recognition of the efforts of the unprofessional press, journalistic sloth, and the deserved media mockery, we nominate these efforts in a variety of categories for end-of-the-year honors. To commemorate the legacy of muckraking reporting and shoe-leather investigation, we have created the Golden Remington Awards. 

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Our trophy honors the olden days when hard-scrabble hacks committed actual journalism and hammered out dispatches on those hefty word-smith devices. We compile some of the most fractured examples of journalism, nominating them for the un-coveted dishonor of our un-distinguished Remmy Awards. At the end of the year, we recognize the greats by gathering examples in several categories, judiciously selecting the most deserving performances.

Here are the latest nominees for THE REMMYS.

Distinguished Breaking News

  • Jacob Soboroff - MSNBC

During the recent No Kings protests, there were several baffling examples of demonstrations. The geriatrics who mostly turned out had fractured signage, formed opposition dance groups, and performed other mentally-challenged displays. One common feature was seeing people showing up in blow-up animal costumes and… being resistant animals, we guess??

MSNBC’s intrepid correspondent Soboroff, however, looked at one of these inflatable mascots and did not roll his eyes and move on. No, instead, he rushed over and decided it was pertinent to get the impressions from someone in a pink unicorn getup. You will be riveted as he collects the insights of this protestor, shoving his microphone into the snout of this creature so as not to miss the trenchant wisdom delivered from within.

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Distinguished National Reporting

  • Bevan Hurley - The Times U.K.

With the New York mayoral race reaching a crescendo, British outlet The Times felt it was worthwhile to get the impressions of a former mayor, so they sought out the opinions of Bill de Blasio. And they got them – only it was not from the former mayor. Allow us to explain.

There was a rash of excitement in the press when it was reported that de Blasio had critical comments about the platform of Zohran Mamdani. But soon after, the former mayor came out to disavow the reporting. The paper then retracted the piece and announced they had been duped by a de Blasio impersonator. But THEN, more details emerged. 

It turned out Hurley had settled on sending questions out via email, but had erroneously contacted another Bill de Blasio, who is a wine merchant living on Long Island. This individual politely answered all of the questions, but he never alerted the reporter to the fact that he was not the former mayor.

Distinguished National Reporting

  • Tim Miller - The Bulwark

One of the amusements from that New York mayoral race was the manner in which the press completely supported Mamdani and did what they could to wallpaper over those instances of antisemitism, pro-Hamas stances, and communist agenda items. They constantly tried to say it was a lie to hurl these accusations, all the while becoming unraveled as direct quotes and other evidence kept emerging of the candidate saying the very things he was supposedly not saying.

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Mr. Miller took things to a whole new level. In need of deflecting from a video of Mamdani promoting outwardly communist policies, he instructed us that we were not seeing a candidate hiding his views and campaigning as a centrist, but Mamdani was a man who somehow managed to “deprogram himself” away from those bothersome beliefs. 

Distinguished Explanatory Reporting

  • Tom Latchem - The Daily Beast

It was a furious week or two of the media becoming inflamed over the East Wing renovations on the White House grounds. It was difficult for any news outlet to distinguish itself in the shrieking chorus of outrage, but dammit if the Daily Beast did not make the effort!

The site found a contemporary archaeologist to level criticism about the project, and then things were turned up to 11! The site managed to come forward and declare that, according to this modern-day Indiana Jones, Donald Trump was on par with ISIS, for wanting to build a ballroom.

Distinguished Local Reporting

  • KOVR Channel 13 News, Sacramento

Following a second case of an illegal alien semi-tractor trailer driver causing a fatal highway accident, the local station covered the details behind the large number of commercial licenses given out with deeply questionable qualifications.

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The report was sympathetic to these drivers, suggesting many of them would quit over the prospect of being asked for their credentials. But better still, when commenting on the fact that many of these drivers do not speak English and are incapable of reading road signs, this was presented as something little more than a challenge for those behind the wheel.

They can't read English street signs and that could be a problem. You think CBS?

Distinguished Sports Reporting

  • ESPN

It was a sweeping news item in the world of professional athletics, as reports came out that federal authorities had a lengthy investigation into the NBA and gambling. The Feds pointed to connections in the mafia crime families, which led to some players and a coach getting arrested for allegedly fixing games.

On ESPN one morning, they assembled a panel of half a dozen experts to ruminate about this dastardly development and how gambling might be poisoning the integrity of the sport.

Yet, at no point in time did the executives or producers consider just how poorly it appeared that, as this all played out on the air, they had a promotional Chyron on screen that was pushing the network’s own gambling platform, ESPN Bet.

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The Jennifer Rubin Medal of Obliviousness (For reporting with forgetfulness of past positions)

  • Nicolle Wallace - MSNBC

We frequently come across examples of members of the media making bold declarations that the barest amount of research shows is a complete contradiction to previous comments made by the same individuals. How they can be so unaware of their own prior positions is baffling, and yet we get served these examples regularly.

In this case, we have Ms. Wallace entertaining Illinois Governor JB Pritzker on her afternoon program, and the two of them defy logic. And the archives. These two both tried to come out and state that no Democrats have ever called President Trump Hitler or a Nazi. Not only is this easily disproven in a matter of seconds, but here are voluminous examples of these two individuals doing the very thing they are trying to claim nobody was doing.

The Silver Ricecake Platter (for content-free reporting, sponsored by Quaker Brands)

  • USA Today

We have come to accept that the press loves a protest - so long as it is conducted by those approving souls on the Left. In keeping with the uncritical and supportive mindset that sees unicorns garnering interviews, USA Today details how, in Portland, they staged a protest outside of an ICE facility. A group gathered there and… well… we are not sure what they were hoping to accomplish. 

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They staged an aerobics routine outside the facility. They were dressed in 1980s-era workout attire. The news outlet did not look at this critically and did not attempt to explain just what in the hell they thought they were influencing with this performative and completely neutered effort.

Editor's Note: The mainstream media continues to deflect, gaslight, spin, and lie about President Trump, his administration, and conservatives. 

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