The Pulitzer Prize Parody Nominations - Grocery List Edition: Toothbrush Bandits, Lunchmeat Masks, and Bottled Flatulence

Our weekly recognition of less-than-meritorious excellence in journalism is worthy of Pulitzer consideration.

As an extension of the media-mocking venture at Townhall, Riffed From The Headlines, we once again recognize the exalted performances in our journalism industry and compile worthy submissions to the Pulitzer Prize board in numerous categories. To properly recognize the low watermark in the press, let us get right to the latest exemplars of journalistic mis-excellence.

Distinguished Cultural Commentary

Joshua Zitser — Business Insider

Influencer and former reality star Stephanie Matto had a lucrative side business. For her devoted fans, the cheeky starlet offered up her packaged vapors. This netted her a tidy revenue stream, in excess of $200,000, but it also netted her a hospital stay as she fell…er…behind, in meeting the demand.

So, she made the wise decision to sell NFT of her gaseous offerings. Now, you can pay her in Etherium to obtain her ethereal emissions.

Matto, 31, made headlines around the world when she announced that she’d have to retire from selling her farts in jars.

She had said she was hospitalized while trying to keep up with the skyrocketing demand. 🏥https://t.co/27gXXiui0s

— Tech Insider (@TechInsider) January 8, 2022

Distinguished Local Reporting

Michele Solomon — WPLG 10 News

The scourge of smash-and-grab robberies continues to spread across the country. In Broward County, unsurprisingly, they put a distinctive Florida spin on the crime spree. Thieves have targeted one particular Walgreens, hitting it on a number of occasions. The brazen bandits have a broad grin, as they only seem to steal electronic toothbrushes.

Nothing to smile about as toothbrush bandits rip off Tamarac store https://t.co/1t69rP6Z3H

— Louis Aguirre (@LouisWPLG) January 8, 2022

Distinguished Explanatory Writing

Jonathan Chait — New York Magazine

In response to toughened ordinances in response to the Omicron breakout, deep thinker Chait suggests that policing vaccine passports in a militant fashion will be a boon for D.C. restaurants. So…cutting off a portion of your customer base, and believing people will travel long distances in order to be harassed over proper documents is supposed to lead to greater success? And nearby Virginia restaurants, which keep accepting everyone, are going to suffer??

Of course, Jonnie also misses out on the fact that suggesting the vaccinated need to be protected from the unvaccinated means the vaccines are worthless, but there we are.

If unvaccinated diners choose to eat in Virginia over DC, and vaccinated diners pick the reverse, that's going to net out heavily in DC's favor.

— Jonathan Chait (@jonathanchait) January 20, 2022

Distinguished National Reporting

Jordan Valinsky — CNN

I am not exactly sure how many women out there have been looking in the deli section for solutions to wrinkles on their faces, but apparently, it is a significant figure. Oscar Meyer has produced a facial mask, and the beauty aid was such a hit it nearly instantly sold out on Amazon. Considering the packaging and appearance of this product, I have the sense this inedible product is going to present a challenge to those who were duped by Tide Pods.

If the thought of using a slice of bologna as a moisturizing face mask was tempting, you're out of luck — for now https://t.co/93r04yIMQl

— CNN (@CNN) January 20, 2022

Distinguished Investigative Reporting

Patricia Murphy, Greg Bluestein, Tia Mitchell — Atlanta Journal-Constitution

In looking into the viability of upcoming Senate candidates for the state, the AJC has discovered a new measurement. Now, political aspirations can be derailed by…(checks updated standards)…Instagram follow lists. The paper operating in the state capital has broken open a scandal of immeasurable proportions – that is, it is enough of a non-scandal as to defy measure. The paper decided to go through the Instagram account of Senate candidate Herschel Walker, and they have found a number of followed accounts that…uh, well, I guess the reporters did not like…it seems?

"A review of Senate candidate Herschel Walker’s Instagram account shows he follows several accounts with links to racy material. One of the accounts has a name not suitable for a family newsletter." https://t.co/6a0N15wb6Y

— Kirk A. Bado (@kirk_bado) January 18, 2022

Distinguished Cultural Commentary

Lisa Respers France — CNN

At first glance, including a story on learning that actress Meryl Streep is a fan of the TV show “Real Housewives” seems frivolous. What elevates (diminishes) this factoid is that Streep delivered this bon mot detail during a press junket for the Netflix film release, “Don’t Look Up,” a satirical polemic about climate change. With her admission, the Oscar winner basically revealed she did not follow the lectures of Hollywood about saving the planet. “It’s right now. It’s happening right now,” Streep said. “And what do I do? I go in and watch ‘The Housewives of Beverly Hills.’ I do that.”

Meryl Streep watches 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills'https://t.co/tk2bi7FhRT

— CNN France (@CNNFrancePR) January 14, 2022

Distinguished Fact-Checking

Daniel Dale — CNN

As Washington, D.C., imposes toughened COVID restrictions, Mr. Dale is intent on making sure the correct information gets out there. He cited GOP Senators Marsha Blackburn and Ron Johnson for inaccurately presenting the new law. He also declared that the senators really should have researched the ordinance fully before tweeting out the claims. That they directly quoted the Mayor of D.C., Muriel Bowser, was of little concern, and Bowser incorrectly describing her own ordinance earned no lecture on doing proper research…about what she wrote herself.