Squirrels are vexing little critters. There isn't a bird feeder they can't break into. Baffles, screens, electric squirrel-flippers, nothing deters them. In the last year or so, it's become apparent that the squirrels have combined their canniness, formed cadres, and we can only assume their intent is this:
Global domination. I mean, it's perfectly obvious. They intend to replace us as the dominant species on this planet.
The Sciuridae attack cadres are already forming. A recent incident from the San Francisco area has lent us a preview of the plans of the squirrel mafia; they are rehearsing attack tactics, and they mean business.
Residents of a San Francisco Bay Area city are on the lookout for an aggressive squirrel that has sent at least two people to the emergency room for medical treatment.
Joan Heblack told ABC affiliate KGO-TV that she was walking in the Lucas Valley neighborhood of San Rafael when a squirrel seemingly came out of nowhere and attacked her leg, clawing and biting.
“It clamped onto my leg. The tail was flying up here. I was like, ‘Get it off me, get off me!’,” Heblack said.
That would be enough to drive anyone nuts. Now, personally, I think you'd have to be out of your tree to live in the Bay Area, but honestly, if you were a bushy-tailed rodent looking to sharpen your teeth on some human practice targets, the soft-shelled people of the Bay Area may be the perfect place to start.
More than one person has been selected as a target.
Isabel Campoy also said she was attacked while walking in the same area. The squirrel launched itself from the ground to her face and wound up on her arm, leaving it bloody, she said.
Both women went to the emergency room, the TV station reported in its Monday story.
Beware of squirrels. They can deliver a nasty bite, and their claws can leave you with some really annoying scratches. What we don't yet know is how they select their human targets, although I suspect that the Bay Area was chosen in part because of its disarmed populace.
What a lot of folks don't know is that squirrels are not herbivores. They are omnivores. Tree squirrels raid bird nests and will happily feast on eggs and baby birds. They will eat mice if they can capture them. We can only assume they are looking to up their game, introducing humans into the squirrelly diet, and this furthering their obvious goal of replacing us as the dominant mammal species on the planet.
Read More: The Great Santa Monica Squirrel Caper - Pesky Rodents Taking Over City Park
The squirrel cadres clearly are seeing a nut profit in all this. While we all must wish they would leaf us alone, they are growing more bold, more daring by the day. They were born to climb, and if they have to climb over humanity to achieve their goal of world domination, they will surely do so.
This is a serious business. It's not just acorn-ey joke. How can we fight them? How can we resist? Well, I have two words you may want to consider:
Brunswick Stew. If the squirrels are bent on reducing us to dinner, the least we can do is to make them our dinners first.
So, if you see a squirrel tailing you, be on your guard. They aren't our friends.
Not all of the problems we face today are human. Nefarious squirrels are on the rampage, and what we've seen in recent days is only the beginning. The Squirrel Mafia is out of control, and they aren't going to stop their attempts at seizing control of the planet unless they are forced to.
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