I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. It's been a tough last few days, and the roller coaster of emotions has been pretty intense.
It all stems from something that happened Sunday, where mom overdid it while trying to help me get the gift-bagging/wrapping done for Christmas, which was the last big task on our plates going into Christmas week. For those who missed that Caregiver's Diary entry, click here to read the full details on what happened and the guilt I have felt in the aftermath from the perspective of not just her daughter but also her caregiver.
The update to that story is that she's still having back spasms, though she's told me she thinks they are happening further apart from each other, which we're thankful for. We've also switched up on the meds she's taking. She stopped taking Meloxicam after Monday morning's dose and started on Advil on Tuesday temporarily to try to help with the muscle aches.
She believes the change is helping some. I'm praying it is, since her regular doctor is on vacation until the end of the week and his fill-in recommended Tylenol in the short term, even though I'd mentioned that it didn't seem to be touching the pain.
SEE ALSO (VIP): Caregiver's Diary Part 57: Mom, Dad, and the Christmas Lights
This morning, Mom and I had a difficult conversation. I asked her, if Christmas were today, would you feel like you'd be able to make the hour trek to my sister's house? And would you be comfortable with all the activities you'd have to do once you got there (there's a ramp, and a few stairs, and sitting in chairs she's not used to sitting in, etc.).
She thought about it a moment and shook her head no.
I wanted to cry, not just because she was clearly in pain but also because I know that if she wakes up on Wednesday feeling the same way, we'll have to postpone Christmas, something we've never done before. I've already talked to my sisters about it, and they're fully understanding, but it still stings.
There was one year where a couple of family members couldn't make it because they unexpectedly had to say goodbye to their dog on Christmas Day, and there were a couple of years my dad couldn't make the trek due to his mobility issues, but the Christmas lunch and gift exchange still went on those years as planned.
My priority, of course, is making sure Mom gets better. But the symbolism of possibly having to postpone the family Christmas get-together hasn't escaped me.
Understandably, both mom and I want to keep our "normal" routines and traditions as much as possible, which has been challenging over the last three or so years with the health issues, but we've made it work for the most part.
RELATED: Caregiver's Diary Part 61: The Story of Muffie, the Christmas Kitty
Even after she was diagnosed with colon cancer in October 2022, we made the trek for both holidays, knowing that being around family and keeping things as normal as possible would soothe the soul amid the storms, would make it feel like not everything about life had to change.
A lot of the work we do during the course of the year, going to the doctor appointments, the exercises she does around the house, etc., are done so she can continue to visit family and friends and maintain a good quality of life.
But thanks to what I feel was a poor decision on my part - urging her to soldier on just a little while longer so we could finish all the wrapping on Sunday, there's now been a snowball effect, where we've gone from joking about how it will be hard to not overeat Thursday to misting up over the possibility that it will have to be postponed.
Plus, is this something she'll be able to heal quickly from, or will it take a long time? With the mobility issues she already has, adding this layer to it has just made things a lot more complicated. If she doesn't improve significantly by Friday, a visit to the doctor - a specialist, most likely- is going to need to happen.
We all make mistakes, poor decisions, etc., because we're human. However, when those mistakes/decisions end up hurting others, especially loved ones, it just hits extra hard. But if we're lucky, we learn and grow from them as part of the "adulting" process, and believe me, I've learned from this one. The growing part will have to come later, though, once I've stopped second- and third-guessing myself over it and started giving myself some grace.
DIVE DEEPER: To check out my previous Caregiver's Diary entries, please click here. Thank you!
