Needless to say, it's not been a good start to 2026 for former Venezuelan President (alleged drug lord and for-sure dictator) Nicolás Maduro and his wife — and alleged partner in crime — Cilia Flores.
On Monday, the couple's well-deserved misery continued — after having been hit on Saturday with federal charges in New York for narco-terrorism, cocaine smuggling, and stockpiling machine guns and explosives, and also accused of conspiring to unleash their war against the United States.
During their first court appearance, the former dictator declared his innocence in an indignant outburst, because of course he did. Any guesses how that went?
Shackled at his feet and decked out in orange prison garb, Maduro defiantly declared in Spanish:
I’m the president of the republic of Venezuela. … I am here kidnapped … I was captured at my home in Caracas, Venezuela.
As my headline suggests, Judge Alvin Hellerstein cut the erstwhile dictator off in a flash:
Let me interfere — there will be a time and a place to go into all of this. Your counsel will be able to make motions. … At this time, I just want to know one thing: Are you Nicolás Maduro Moros?
“I am Nicolás Maduro Moros,’’ the fallen dictator replied.
After Maduro appeared to settle down a bit, the judge read the charges against him:
Mr. Maduro … is charged in one count of narco-terrorism conspiracy, specifically from 1999 to 2025, he knowingly conspired with others … and intentionally provided something of pecuniary value to a person or organization engaged in terrorism and terrorist activity.
After Judge Hellerstein asked Maduro if he understood he had the right to legal counsel, he responded — again:
I am innocent. I am not guilty. I am a decent man. I am still president of my country. I am not guilty of anything that is mentioned here.
Cilia Flores, who also faces a myriad of charges, declared at the same proceeding that she is “completely innocent” when asked by Hellerstein for her plea.
ALSO CHECK OUT: Now That's a Perp Walk: Watch Maduro Hauled to Court Under Heavy Guard
It Gets Worse (Funnier)
Maduro also declared himself "a 'prisoner of war' and 'a man of God.'"
Hilariously — to me, at least — one of Maduro’s lawyers assured Judge Hellerstein that the former dictator isn’t rushing to get out of jail; he’s just keeping the option open to ask for bail later.
The bail request is absurd on multiple levels.
First, the toppled dictator is accused of narco-terrorism, international cocaine trafficking, and plotting against the United States. Second, he's been under indictment for years, evading capture with the help of a regime that turned Venezuela into a cartel state — which alone makes him the textbook definition of a flight risk.
Third, the Maduros allegedly used state resources to smuggle tons of cocaine and arm militias, and now his defense team wants a judge in Manhattan to treat him like a misunderstood businessman just waiting to clear his name? It’s performative theater — and bad performative theater at that.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
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