The Babylon Bee Just 'Reported' Another Harrowing AOC 'Very Close Encounter' and It's Just as Hilarious as the Original

AP Photo/Kathy Willens

Not that I’m piling on Alexandria Ocasio-Smollett Cortez, but— wait— who am I kidding? Of course, I’m piling on AOS AOC. Who isn’t, right now? And what better way to do so than by sharing an AOC “report” from America’s premier satire site, The Babylon Bee?

Except for the hashtag #AlexandriaOcasioSmollett, that is.

So, it turns out AOC’s “very close encounter” in her office during the Capitol riot that “occurred” in a building not called the U.S. Capitol wasn’t her only “I thought I was going to die” moment. Nope. As reported by the Bee, AOC “barely survived terrorists seizing Nakatomi Plaza,” featured in “Die Hard: Nakatomi Plaza” —the building featured in a first-person shooting video game for Microsoft Windows.

AOC Recalls How She Barely Survived Terrorists Seizing Nakatomi Plaza

That’s right, America, as reported by the Babylon Bee:

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a recent video, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez recalled her harrowing experience at Nakatomi Plaza on the night terrorists stormed the building. She describes her near-death experience and what it was like trying to survive.

“I can tell you that I had a very close encounter where I thought I was going to die,” said AOC describing the events at Nakatomi Plaza. “Hans Gruber and his armed thugs took control of the building, and everyone was in a panic.”

According to The Bee, our intrepid former bartender “was able to sneak away and hide behind a bathroom door for safety.” “But suddenly a deranged, barefoot, and bloodied cop wearing a wifebeater came bursting into the bathroom,” AOC “told” The Bee.

“His presence just didn’t feel right to me. He had so much anger and hostility!”

“Nothing was adding up,” she “said.” “I just know Ted Cruz was behind all of this and sent this man here to murder me and steal all of the bearer bonds.”

You’ll have to read “the rest of the story” on The Babylon Bee site, but as AOC “said”:

“This was the end for me, I thought. I’m lucky to be alive, and I may never recover from the trauma it caused.”

According to the Bee, AOC “has called for the NYPD to be defunded,” due to her traumatic “very close encounter.”