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How To Let the World Know You Are A Good and Kind Person

AP Photo/Manuel Balce Ceneta

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what a good person I am. Not to brag, but I’m really a pretty great person. What I love most about myself is that I’m nothing like those other people, who are not good people. Those other people are very bad people. I wish they could be good people, like me. But they can’t be good people because they are very, very bad people.

I know this because they don’t even have signs in their yards that signal their goodness. It is really important to let people know about our goodness, otherwise the bad people will walk around thinking they own the place. I think the most effective sign is the “Hate has no home here” sign. You can get it in a couple of forms. I like the one in different languages. The Trumpies hate it because they hate immigrants. What better way to rub their judgmental ignorance in their idiot faces than reminding them that English isn’t the only language on earth? In fact, I get a thrill up my leg every time I look at my sign. It reminds me of how tolerant I am and how grateful I am for my tolerance. Otherwise the intolerance of evil bigots who hate signs would go unchallenged. The good people in this country need to stand together and be more vocal about how good we are. You can’t expect to change a bad person into a good person without a sign. That’s just Science.

Speaking of Science, I believe in it. Science is important. Science is for smart people and I’m a smart person. Unlike these unsmart people out here who do not believe in Science. It’s easy to tell who the Scientifically ignorant are because they are always talking about the “research” and the “studies” and the “evidence”. They’ll trust their own lying eyes but they won’t trust a bureaucratic doctor with multiple degrees who makes twice what the President makes. Dr. Fauci is on tv saying things every day. He even threw out the first pitch at a Red Sox game. He seems like a really good guy who just wants to keep America safe. I will never understand why it’s so much easier to trust a double-blind, peer-reviewed study than a man who has had his entire life subsidized by Capitol Hill for 30 years. Which one are you going to trust?

I let people know I believe in Science in two ways.

First, I got a tattoo on the vaccination injection site on my arm. It says COVID in very big letters, and then has the name of the corporation who made millions from the vaccine. I think it’s pretty metal to get your body stamped by Big Corporate. In a way, I’m letting everyone know that Big Pharma is where I’m looking to for my safety. Because of Science. I can’t believe that there are actually people out there who have gotten the vaccine and didn’t even put it on social media. I woke up every day at 3a.m. (I’m on the west coast)  for a month waiting to see if the neanderthals on Fox & Friends  would talk about their vaccinations and not a single host mentioned their vaccine. I shouldn’t be surprised. The people at FAUX NEWS are bad. I guess I just needed to prove it to myself once and for all.

Second, I wear a mask even though I’ve been vaccinated. The mask is a symbol – of goodness, of caring, of Science. It’s basically a “Hate has no home here” sign for your face. It says, “Science has a home here in this face.” I believe vaccines work. I’m not some crazy anti-vaxxer. But just in case they don’t work, I wear the mask. It’s the least I can do as a person who loves Science and hates bad people. And even if the mask is ineffective (which I know is not true because I read a tweet from an article that reviewed an interview with Dr. Fauci that said masks are important), I wear it because it’s how other people will know I care about them. Some people raise money for charity or pay their neighbor’s phone bill. But that’s a selfish kind of help. There’s no way for other people to know that you’re actually a helpful person and that’s irresponsible.

It’s hard to be a good person. It requires a lot of social media posting, a plethora of masks and my sign budget has tripled in the last three years. It takes dedication and strong internet bandwidth.

Being a good person is not easy, but it’s worth it to save lives.

How many lives have you saved today?