Tokyo Olympics About to Get Monsterous

Warner Bros. Pictures via AP

The Tokyo Olympics have been beset by so many problems one has to wonder exactly which deity the people putting together the XXXII Olympiad offended. First, it was postponed a year due to COVID, then, just as it appeared the rescheduled games would be held in a semi-normal fashion COVID flared up again, leading to spectators being excluded from the festivities. With threatened athlete podium protests and genuine public protests, the only thing missing is uncooperative weather. And we’ve got that covered as well, as Tokyo is now bracing for a direct hit by a typhoon this Tuesday that has forced some outdoor events to be rescheduled. What else could possibly go wrong? As it turns out, plenty.

Godzilla, reportedly highly irate over both being passed over to light the Olympic flame in favor of Naomi Osaka and being left off the Japanese judo team, even after recently taking down Kong in a two-out-of-three match, will soon be paying Tokyo a visit to directly express his displeasure to the Olympic organizing committee. The King of the Monsters is expected to air his grievances sometime before the next USA men’s basketball game, as apparently, Godzilla has been doing some training with Draymond Green in case the giant lizard — that would be Godzilla, not Draymond — is asked to do a cameo in any future Space Jam films.

Godzilla’s pending arrival is being hailed by many liberal economists, as the commonly held belief among this group is that the expenditures for construction supplies and labor necessitated whenever Radioactive Breath Boy pays a social call will greatly stimulate the local economy. Detractors are quick to point out the money thus spent could easily be spread out on a far greater assortment of businesses, thus providing more support to more people. But they’re probably capitalists, so who cares.

The giant lizard’s pending arrival has been the source of extreme scrutiny among the assembled sports media, no more so than at ESPN where fallout from the Rachel Nichols-Maria Taylor dust-up continues even now that Taylor has gone on to work at NBC. It is suggested that as of yet unconfirmed reports, drawn from anonymous sources, based on unsubstantiated data heard through the grapevine, are whispering that some unnamed individuals who may or may not work for ESPN might be unhappy with Godzilla, as they fear he might upstage Taylor’s new gig hosting Olympic coverage.

Although no ESPN employees would go on record with their concerns, one current employee, whose primary claim to expertise is the time he led his team to dynamically getting their collective clock cleaned by Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant in the NBA Finals, screamed, “White privilege!” When reminded that Godzilla is green his response was, “Oh.”

Godzilla himself was unavailable for comment, as he is presently training with Mothra for an upcoming table tennis doubles match.