AUSTIN, TX– The Federal Drug Administration (FDA) is preparing to institute more measures to safeguard black lives by banning products they like. After it was announced that the Biden administration would prohibit the sale of menthol cigarettes, officials are looking at other ways the government can save the black community from itself.
Only days after the menthol ban was announced, the FDA declared that it was pushing full steam ahead with its effort to rescue the black community through what they refer to as “strategic race-based prohibition.” An FDA official explained that the fried fowl and grape-flavored cola – also known as “grape drank” – must be banned because “these hopeless negroes don’t know how to act.”
“Preventing black people from killing themselves by banning certain products is the least we can do given the level of oppression they have endured in this country,” said a high-ranking member of the Biden administration. “This is why fried chicken and grape soda have to go.”
He added: “How could they possibly survive if we don’t make these decisions for them?”
Some have raised concerns about the menthol ban, arguing that it would lead to more interactions with the police which could result in more black fatalities during these encounters. However, the FDA assures us the number of black men shot to death by police will pale in comparison to the warm fuzzy feeling white progressives will have knowing African Americans are no longer smoking Newports, eating Popeye’s, or drinking carbonated grape-flavored beverages.
Another FDA official also noted that “dying from fried chicken consumption is proven to be more fatal than being riddled with racist police bullets.”
“It is SO fatal. You don’t even know,” the official said.
The new measure is expected to cause some upheaval in the fried chicken industry. Kentucky Fried Chicken and Popeye’s are both scrambling to develop new baked chicken recipes and have begun looking at plant-based options. “We need to show these blacks that fake fried chicken is better than real fried chicken,” he argued.
The official seemed optimistic about the plan, insisting that “it won’t be nearly as hard as getting them to take that damn vaccine.”
(Editor’s Note: Clearly, this piece was penned using the sarcasm font. Just pointing that out for those who don’t regularly partake in satire.)