It is time for another dose of madness, seen here in America’s psych ward waiting room, aka The 27th State, aka Florida. In the midst of assassination attempts, war coverage, media distemper, and a general sense of national anxiety, it seems appropriate, nay, needed to deliver a dose of mirth to the mayhem.
Thus, serving as a diversion is this collection of news items from the country’s bastard stepchild, the one with a populace in a perpetual plight of pandemonium. What better way to feel better about things than to see what it is we have to grapple with here in the heated tropics of sub-Dixie?
FLORIDA MARINA
Miami police were called out to a yacht basin for a trespassing call, and were met with a curious scenario upon going on board. The individual was not attempting to flee and evade arrest; instead, the man instructed that the police needed to leave because he was on a mission.
Terry Roberts informed the police that he was permitted to be there, as he was acting on behalf of the owner. The police responded that this could not be the case, as the owner was present and had been the one to call them out. Roberts corrected things for the officers.
“That's not the owner. The owner is Donald Trump, the president. You guys aren't even supposed to be on here because it's maritime law," Roberts replied. As he refused to comply, Terry continued to instruct as to what should take place: "Go call him... I'm a veteran of the United States Army, and I'm here to protect Donald Trump's boat."
To clarify for our readers, this was not President Trump’s boat.
Florida man trespasses, tells police he’s holding Miami yacht for 'friend' President Donald Trump https://t.co/0Afa9WB4Vu pic.twitter.com/tG2lAhzwcu
— New York Post (@nypost) May 1, 2026
FLORIDA MENDACITY
A New Smyrna Beach man has been charged with stealing government funds for defrauding the Veterans Administration for benefits. Over a span of years, Jerry Smith collected $250,000 in payouts for being blind. Investigators discovered this was not the case.
Smith was exposed after it was observed that he was able to go shopping, interact with cashiers in stores, and use a drive-thru ATM. It was also learned that while Smith was claiming blindness, he was working as a school guardian and firearms specialist.
Fighting Fraud: Jerry Smith, of New Smyrna, Florida, pleaded guilty to receiving stolen government funds for falsely representing that he was legally blind. Smith received more than $240,000 in VA disability compensation and benefits. Read the facts: https://t.co/5KuR2OhZhP. pic.twitter.com/7N9ZxgGEaH
— Veterans Affairs OIG (@VetAffairsOIG) May 5, 2026
FLORIDA MEN IN TRAINING
Police in Ocala took into custody a pair of would-be prankster influencers, thankfully ridding the local gentry of more of this type of outbreak of insufferable asses. Authorities say 18-year-olds Janek Szkaradek and Luke Charske were arrested after Janek drove a lawnmower through a Target store on SW College Road, and Luke filmed the incursion for social media cred. Charges include criminal mischief and disorderly conduct, with Charske charged as a principal with disorderly conduct.
The night before, this undynamic duo had been inside a Culver’s restaurant and operated a leaf blower in the dining area.
Residents can only hope they will be housed at the Grey Bar Inn for some time. Considering they also face damages to be paid, they might be motivated to get more monetized traffic online; the judge should, at the very least, mandate that they cannot come within 100 feet of groundskeeping equipment for a calendar year.
🚨🚨BREAKING NEWS 🚨
— Corefrontline (@corefrontline) April 27, 2026
🇺🇸 Teens Arrested After Driving Lawn Mower Through Target Like It’s a Joyride
Two 18-year-old men from Ocala, Florida, are in trouble with the law after turning a Target store into their personal stunt zone. On Saturday, Janek Szkaradek drove a riding… pic.twitter.com/RjNRziFhmt
FLORIDA MUTINY
In Washington, D.C., Guido Reichstadtler, a former jeweler from Florida, was taken into custody after scaling the Frederick Douglas Bridge. For five days. Guido climbed on top of one of the arches of the span, barefoot, as a form of protest against the war and…A.I.
He was not really able to be heard, or his signs read while at the crest, so some supportive local protestors were translating his messaging. We would rather not think about what he did to address the need to evacuate his waste products while atop the bridge.
DC’s “Bridge Guy” is speaking out after spending five days atop the Frederick Douglass Memorial Bridge in protest. https://t.co/gY7JPey0n0 pic.twitter.com/K9mUega1Mk
— Washingtonian 🌸 (@washingtonian) May 16, 2026
FLORIDA MINARD
Authorities in Hawaii, following a multi-agency task force investigation, arrested Steven Harry Minard for a fraud scheme where he scammed a potential investor out of $1 million. Minard was selling rights to a non-existent entertainment complex. This development project, which was only on paper and had nothing physically undertaken, was said by Minard to be a futuristic project involving celebrities. Curiosity swirls over who would think this could work in competition with the various theme parks, as he was claiming this would be a sprawling complex called Orlando World Live, which was sold to transform the downtown metroplex.
Authorities showed that Minard had never applied for any permits, had no contracts for work established, and was instead using the money he bilked from “investors” to pay off his debts and other personal uses.
The Billion-Dollar Mirage: Florida Man Cuffed In Hawaii For ‘Orlando World Live’ Investment Scam #florida #orlando #hawaii
— Tampa Free Press (@tampafreepress) May 9, 2026
Read here: https://t.co/KWIYDjSOu0 pic.twitter.com/sdRUmYetqB
FLORIDA MONEY
First off, full disclosure: I am not a financial advisor, so anything seen in this segment should not be regarded as professional investment guidance. Govern yourself accordingly.
That said, I do have a few things that should be considered. Let’s say, if you are in possession of tens of thousands of dollars of hard currency, maybe a more secure method of containment and transport than a fanny pack would be a sound decision. Also, if you do have, say, a few grand in cash, you do not need to bring that entire total with you inside a convenience store. Maybe peel off a few hundreds, leaving the rest locked in your vehicle, and you should be covered. And, it goes without saying, even if you forgo that advice, when using a public restroom, it would be wise to always keep tabs on your haul at all times. Maybe put down the phone and wait to text or speak to others AFTER the cash is properly locked down.
Well, our Florida man disregarded all of those steps and somehow managed to leave the Wawa restroom without his fanny pack containing $30,000 in cash. We can only guess that this stash was found by a recent arrival, because after police analyzed security footage, they spotted the man and his fanny pack, and they also could identify Louis Salazar, who found the bills and then tried to find the owner of said fanny pack. Lou was later called in to the police station, where he willingly returned the pack and all of the money to the rightful owner.
We can only assume this wise money manager then left the station to secure an investment with Steven Minard.
Man Finds Fanny Pack with Over $30K Inside and Starts Looking for Rightful Owner. Then He Gets a Call from the Police https://t.co/LBFE75vtRk
— People (@people) May 15, 2026
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