Greetings from America’s psych ward waiting room, aka The 27th State, aka Florida. In the midst of assassination attempts, war coverage, media distemper, and a general sense of national anxiety, it seems appropriate, nay, needed to deliver a dose of mirth to the mayhem.
Thus, serving as a diversion is this collection of news items from the country’s bastard stepchild, the one with a populace in a perpetual plight of pandemonium?! What better way to feel better about things than to see what it is we have to grapple with here in the heated tropics of sub-Dixie?
FLORIDA MANIC
Maybe AARP needs to offer a senior discount in anger management. Luis Aniceto Herrada, a Marathon Man (not a Dustin Hoffman stan, but a resident of the island in the Keys), was arrested after a physical confrontation. Monroe County sheriffs were called out to a marina in the Florida Keys at 10:30 at night, where the 66-year-old Herrada had attacked a man who had been staying on Herrada’s boat.
After going at his floating tenant with a machete, he ended up striking the man with another blunt object. Luis seems intent on spending his golden years in chrome handcuffs; he was previously picked up for striking a 78-year-old with a 2x4. Not only was he arrested for aggravated battery, but the sexagenarian was also charged with elderly abuse.
Machete-wielding Florida man arrested after late-night boat brawl
FLORIDA MARAUDER
The magic to many a Florida Man tale is in the layers. Anywhere else, a man arrested for starting a fire is sufficient for a news item. Morgan Lentz was picked up in Jensen Beach for just such an offense, but how we got there is the story. “Captain” Morgan had been at a local bar, and he apparently arrived with a milk jug filled with gasoline.
He dumped the fuel on a few cars and a motorcycle, but the patrons ran him off before any ignition took place. As they called in the incident to 911, Lentz trundled down the street and began starting fires in a nature preserve along a stretch of road. He was using a tiki torch.
The Martin County sheriffs were able to pin down Luntz, given that he fit the description of a guy with gasoline, dressed as a pirate.
Florida man dressed as pirate with sword arrested after fire at park
FLORIDA TWIN
For a spell down here in South Florida, there was a spate of Elvis Presley-level sightings. According to one social media account, the late Jeffrey Epstein was said to be alive and well, and driving around in his luxury convertible. There was even video footage to show that the myth was true!
However, this became a dispelled conspiracy. “Jeffrey Epstein” went public after the video went viral, and he let it be known that he was not the famed pedophile and albatross across President Trump’s back, but is in fact “Palm Beach Pete,” a local tennis hobbyist. But, as we have come to learn, debunking this claim only means the Epstein list adherents are going to insist the administration is covering up the fact that he is alive.
Hello I’m Palm Beach Pete… Not Jeffrey Epstein pic.twitter.com/99NaarrswE
— Palm Beach Pete (@not_jeffepstein) March 19, 2026
FLORIDA MAYOR
One thing we are attuned to in this state is having politicians with legal problems. Hell, back in the 1980s, the surest way for a Dade County officeholder to get reelected was to be under federal investigation. So news of the mayor of Naples getting popped recently was rather expected.
Mayor Teresa Heitmann was arrested for marijuana in her system. The 62-year-old mayor was picked up on a warrant. It turns out she was arrested for violating her probation by testing positive, after a previous arrest she had for drunk driving. (Hey, at least she is not a recidivist, in that fashion.)
In that prior arrest, Heitmann had gotten into a road rage incident at a roundabout and tailgated the other vehicle. She followed them to their home, where she managed to run over their mailbox and parked in their yard.
She had previously admitted to her office position when the 911 call was made, but that changed when police arrived. She tried informing the officers, “I am Teresa Heitmann right now," Heitmann continues. "I am not the mayor."
Naples Mayor Teresa Heitmann Arrested for DUI After Following Couple Home and Crashing into Their Property: Naples Mayor Teresa Heitmann was arrested last week after a bizarre incident in which she allegedly followed a couple home while intoxicated,… https://t.co/UQ4UDk9e8R pic.twitter.com/LmVujuWd6V
— Janie Johnson - America is Exceptional (@jjauthor) September 3, 2024
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