Fractured Media Award Nominations: A Luncheon Scandal & Lotto Baloney, All Topped With PBS Mustard Gas

The Remmys. (Credit: Brad Slager/ChatGPT)

It is time for a new round of nominations for nefarious news nonsense! In recognizing the efforts of the unprofessional press, journalistic sloth, and deserved media mockery, we nominate the efforts for end-of-the-year honors. To commemorate the past of muckraking reporting and shoe leather investigation, we have created The Golden Remington Awards. Our trophy honors the olden days when hard-scrabble hacks committed actual journalism and hammered out dispatches on those hefty word-smith devices.

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Regularly, we compile some of the most fractured examples of journalism, nominating them for the un-coveted dishonor of “winning” our un-distinguished Remmy Award. At the end of the year, we recognize the greats by gathering examples in a number of categories and judiciously choosing the deserving performances.

Here are the latest nominees for The Remmys.

Distinguished Investigative Journalism

  • Chiara Eisner - National Public Radio

During the Alaska summit, NPR was convinced they had stumbled upon a trenchant discovery of classified documents connected to the event. What they had barely rose to the level of an agenda tear sheet from a distributed press kit.

What they had was not quite the type of political intrigue or national thriller content you may find in a Brad Thor novel. Instead, we get hyperventilating coverage over content that rises to the level of your professional event planner. 

Names and pics of the assembled delegates were seen, along with phonetic pronunciations of the Russian names. We also had classified intel, such as the seating chart for the luncheon and the menu items. Yes, seriously. The eight pages (of what they laughably describe as “government papers”) were not passed along discreetly in an elevator or via a clandestine briefcase exchange – they were found on a printer in the hotel's public general use office room near the lobby, likely left behind by another reporter.

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Distinguished Explanatory Reporting

  • David Brooks - Public Broadcasting Service

The designated “conservative at PBS had a scathing account of the dastardly activities President Trump has been enacting. It is rather grave and severe.

“Let's do a little ethical experiment here. You're in World War I. The Germans use mustard gas on civilians, and it helps them. Do you then decide, okay, we're going to use mustard gas on civilians?”

Now look, we do not even like mustard on our hot dogs, so this sounds way worse! Just what is it that the esteemed Mr. Brooks sees Trump doing that rises to this level of war-crime atrocities?!?!

The…Texas redistricting effort.

“What Trump ordered Abbott to do in Texas is mustard gas on our democracy.”

Distinguished Editorial Reporting

  • Ross Douthat - New York Times

In a blatant effort to find a way for Democrats to regain influence, on the “Interesting Times” podcast, Douthat entertained a guest who offered a blueprint for preserving our democracy. Apparently, they did not sit back and consider that in holding to the belief that President Trump and the Republicans were somehow ruining the country and destroying our foundational system, the solution to saving that system is to essentially blow the entire thing up, then rig the system so Democrats could return to power.

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…In order to save our democracy, you understand.

The Gold Lamé Corduroy Pillow, for Best Headlines (Sponsored by The New York Post)

  • Michelle Nichols - Reuters

In describing the challenges faced by the United Nations in getting its messaging out to the world, Reuters managed to be succinct and encapsulate the issue at the same time.

Distinguished Sports Reporting

  • WTOC Channel 11, Savannah, Georgia

The NFL preseason is a time for teams to work out their rosters and see who has the skills needed to remain on staff throughout the season. The same should hold true for the news outlets covering the local franchise.

At WTOC, they covered a press conference involving the #1 pick for the Atlanta Falcons, quarterback Michael Penix Jr. 

We will go on a limb and suggest that the rookie in charge of their on-screen graphics should not survive the cut this season.

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The Silver Ricecake Platter, for Distinguished Content-free Reporting (Sponsored by Quaker)

  • Curtis Bunn - NBC News

We know the press has a need to inject race into just about any reporting. But there is a limit when you are inspired to simply report on quotidian activities anyone can do and then highlight those who are from a racial demographic, as if something unique has been accomplished.

For his feature, Mr. Bunn spotlights a number of POC individuals engaged in leisure-time activities, such as scuba diving and playing golf, and proclaims these examples to be reflective of something significant, without really displaying that significance.

His piece can be summarized thusly: “Black People Have Hobbies.

Distinguished International Reporting

  • Justin Dealey - BBC

People have quirky pursuits at times. And in some relationships, this passion might cause a dose of friction between partners. In this case, we might be taking the side of the wife, given the realities attached to one man’s collection. While sometimes the obsessive types might see their desire overtake portions of the home, in the case of Wesley Tierney, it is a far more sprawling challenge.

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Wes likes to collect buses. Not the pocket-sized toys or model kit representations. He has nearly two dozen actual commuter buses. "You're never a dull person at a party when you own a bus," states Mr. Tierney. You may not be a sane person once you get to the point of owning 23 full-sized buses.

Distinguished Local Reporting

  • Mark Price - The Charlotte Observer

Lottery winners are always required to detail for the press what they will do with their winnings. For one North Carolina man, his windfall will lead to a more luxurious lunch experience.

We can say that Joseph Greer leads a modest existence. His dream, after cashing in on the second-chance lotto drawing and pocketing $100,000, was to obtain better cold cuts. "I'm tired of eating the thin bologna," Greer said. "I want the thick bologna now." We could ask questions like, why would he not just use two slices on his sandwiches? Or, how about not dropping $50 on scratch-offs and buying the upgraded meat??

But our main question to Mark Price would be as to whether he thought Greer was completely serious and not screwing with a member of the media.

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Editor's Note: The mainstream media continues to deflect, gaslight, spin, and lie.

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