The Pulitzer Prize Dis-Honors: Cartel Monkeys, Prisoner Sensitivity, and Insensitive Sausage Queens

Our weekly recognition of less-than-meritorious excellence in journalism worthy of a skewed version of Pulitzer Prize consideration.

As an extension of the media-mocking venture at Townhall, Riffed From The Headlines, we once again recognize the exalted performances in our journalism industry and compile worthy submissions for the Pulitzer Prize board in numerous categories. To properly recognize the low watermark in the press, let us get right to the latest exemplars of journalistic mis-excellence.

Distinguished Explanatory Reporting

Maysoon Kahn – Associated Press

With crime running rampant across New York, Governor Kathy Hochul has taken a bold step – she wants prisoners to stop feeling ashamed. In a move that will eventually fix nothing, the governor announced the state will now refrain from calling convicted prisoners “inmates,” changing their designation to “incarcerated person.” Khan explains how this ennobling effect will work.

The changes, signed into law Monday by Gov. Kathy Hochul, are intended to reduce the stigma of being in jail.

New York has amended several state laws to remove the word "inmate" and replace it with "incarcerated person" to refer to people serving prison time. https://t.co/b2RfEJ6WcY

— The Associated Press (@AP) August 12, 2022

Distinguished National Reporting

Chris Isidore – CNN

This is taking the act of gaslighting to all new lows. At CNN, they wanted to join in on the chorus of outlets trying to tell us that the economy is actually doing great. In this lame attempt, Isidore tries to sell us on the concept that the high gas prices are not nearly as bad as the painfully high prices from a month or so ago. Since today buying gas is merely painful, and not oppressive, we are supposed to be thrilled with the result.

Next time you stop at a gas station, think of it as a $100-a-month tax cut. Or a maybe $100-a-month raise. https://t.co/7FOuCRfrJt

— CNN (@CNN) August 19, 2022

Distinguished Editorial Writing

Simon Jenkins – The Guardian

The “freedom through oppression” vibe is strong with this one. There really is not much to say about a columnist, broadcaster, and author who delivers a nicely Orwellian proposal like this.

Do you want free speech to thrive? Then it has to be regulated, now more than ever | Simon Jenkins https://t.co/lbtjL6tsvm

— The Guardian (@guardian) August 15, 2022

Distinguished International Reporting

CBS News

In recent cartel violence in Mexico, gunfights led to a number of fatalities. One involved a cartel member – a monkey found wearing a camo jacket and a bulletproof vest.

Monkey in "bullet-proof" vest found dead after bloody cartel shootout in Mexico https://t.co/ylL44wwWcR

— CBS Mornings (@CBSMornings) June 20, 2022

Distinguished Cultural Commentary

Zach Seemayer – Entertainment Tonight

There has been all manner of criticism and scorn heaped upon the recent Disney+ release, “She-Hulk: Attorney At Law,” but we need to appreciate all the efforts that went into the making of this…boondoggle. The performers gave their all for this production.

Take Jameela Jamil, who detailed an injury she incurred onset while filming.

“Oh, I did it all! I did it all,” Jamil said of her involvement with the action scenes and stunt sequences. “I was hurting in a place that I really didn’t know exists. Like, you’ll probably have to bleep this out, but I pulled a muscle in my a**hole,” she added. “I didn’t know that was possible!”

Jameela Jamil reveals NSFW injury she suffered while filming ‘She-Hulk: Attorney at Law.’ https://t.co/oxznxqEa2t

— ELLIOT IN THE MORNING (@EITMonline) August 18, 2022

Distinguished Local Reporting

Crawford County Now

Dateline – Bucyrus, Ohio. Controversy has swirled around Abigail Brocwell, Queen of the Bratwurst Festival. The turmoil surrounding the Court has been building for some time, As a result of the conflicts, the Queen and her immediate Court were ordered to turn their crowns and sashes over to the pageant officials. While details remain sketchy, it appears Brocwell attended a competing festival in Baltimore, Ohio, in an unsanctioned manner. Despite her attendance as a civilian and not as a Bratwurst Festival representative, this appears to have violated the bylaws of the committee, and Ms. Brocwell has to surrender her crown.

Crawford County Now has learned that Brocwell was ordered to turn in the gifts she received from sponsors of the festival or face criminal charges.

Ousted Queen issues statement https://t.co/snHC4ZYcdo

— Crawford County Now (@crawfordnow) August 16, 2022

Distinguished Coverage In Frozen Desserts (The Joe Biden Honor)

Aly Walensky – The Food Network

While we recently endured the horrific news of the demise of the Choco Taco, a confectionary respite may have arrived. Miller Lite is teaming with an ice cream company to produce ice cream bars that will replicate the flavor of dive bars. That is not a typo, meaning to write the famous “Dove Bars”. No, Miller brewing intends to deliver the flavors of spent peanut shells with a cigarette-smoky aftertaste, in frozen form.