Some of you need to come out of the closet.
I’m talking, of course, about your burning secret: that you’re not really dead.
Things have gone too far — authorities have been notified; your funeral’s pending. And there you are, still hiding out, pretending to have shuffled off the ol’ mortal coil.
But most surprising is that you’re reading RedState — as we know, all of you fake dead people vote Democrat.
Regardless, one of your fellow phonies made the news recently. I’m not sure if Julie Wheeler was planning to vote soon, but the West Virginia woman went missing last Sunday.
Her husband reported it — he told officials she fell over the main overlook of the New River Gorge National River.
That led to a massive, multi-agency search-and-rescue effort. Helicopters hovered, dogs sniffed, diving crews flippered around, and rappellers hung around trying to find what was left of the poor gal.
Oh, and probably wholly coincidentally: She’d been facing up to 10 years in prison.
Anyway, back to the womanhunt: Investigators even got a warrant to look through her phones and computers.
Then Tuesday, something happened: Amid the somber search, they checked her closet.
And there she was: Man alive! Or…woman.
That led to the arrest of her in-cahoots cohabitator: Julie’s man got remanded.
She and the hubs were awarded multiple charges, among them giving false information and — here’s a cool one — conspiracy.
UPDATE: (Tuesday, June 2, 2020 at 9 pm) BECKLEY, WV (WOAY) – Julie Wheeler and her husband, Rodney Wheeler have been charged after Julie was reported to be missing. https://t.co/XXSe0qWLtD pic.twitter.com/CkSSBZ4oGD
— WOAY NewsWatch (@WOAYNewsWatch) June 3, 2020
As reported by the New York Post, it’s unclear whether the pair’s son — who’s accused of helping plant evidence suggesting she’d fallen — will face criminal charges.
And why was Julie hidin’ from the popo? Well, in February, she’d pleaded guilty to federal health care fraud.
From a court document noting her guilty plea:
Defendant fraudulently obtained over $300,000. … Wheeler defrauded the Spina Bifida Health Care Benefits Program and in the process stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from taxpayers,” said United States Attorney Mike Stuart. “Taking advantage of the condition of spina bifida of a child for personal greed is truly a despicable crime. Wheeler even admitted that she defrauded the VA of hundreds of thousands of dollars and deprived the victim- a child diagnosed with spina bifida- of services. The VA provides critical benefits and services to heroic veterans and their dependents. Our veterans deserve better. The families of our veterans deserve better. And the victims of terrible conditions like spina bifida deserve all of God’s graces. Greed is a terribly destructive human condition.”
Apparently, it’s so destructive, you can die from it.
Thank goodness she’s alive and well.
Unfortunately, her new lease on life may involve the aforementioned decade in the Hoosegow along with a fine of more than $250,000.
If she was planning to vote Biden, at least she’ll be in good company in the Joint — 7 out of 10 jailed felons are registered Democrats.
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