Correction. This story, which was featured in The Sun, turned out to be a hoax according to Lead Stories, which works under contract to Facebook to find hoax stories. Their report on the hoax can be found at this link. Our apologies for falling for this hoax.
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In the X-Men, Jean Grey can kill with her mind.
A man in Kampala, Uganda has a similar power: Mutant Joe Rwamirama can butcher with his butt.
According to The Sun, Joe is “known around the city as THE man to befriend if you’re sick of mosquitos.”
In fact, the 48-year-old claims no one in his village has ever come down with malaria — his superpower neutralizes insects over a six-mile radius.
The Sun points out that, if his measurement is correct, Joe’s fallout zone is greater than that of 1945’s atomic bomb that destroyed Hiroshima.
James Yoweri — a local barber — confirms Joe’s might:
“He is known all over the city as the man who can kill mosquitoes with his farts.”
It’s like magic:
“When Joe is around, we all know that mosquitoes will vanish.”
Imagine — you can hang around with Joe, be free from the bloodsuckers, and never even have to smell the pesky chemical odor of Off!
There's something "Off about this guy. https://t.co/YYJbNamUpF
— iFart Mobile (@ifart) December 11, 2019
And speaking of smell, don’t worry — Joe’s a total gentleman. If any of you ladies hanker for a date with the hometown X-Man, you can rest assured your nose will nary be offended. Except…well…you know how it’s chivalrous for a guy to put his coat over a mud puddle? Well, it’s kinda like that:
“He is respectful of people around him and will only fart when there are mosquitoes around which bring malaria. His farts gets rid of this disease.”
Now that’s one to bring home to Mama. Imagine the healthy family you’d have.
And you’d be with a big hunk o’ celebrity: As the story goes, when Joe was just a kid, a nearby chief had him come to stay so he could fart all the mosquitoes dead.
The whole tribe was blown away.
The chief recalls:
“I heard about Joe’s gift and I took him in to help mop out the mosquitoes infesting our surroundings.”
And it’s pretty much an immediate assassination:
“He respectfully drops these bloomers and it helped eradicate the insects. He does his thing and they drop – like flies.”
So you may be wondering: What does Joe eat?
Well, as it turns out, he’s just a regular happy-go-lucky guy with a normal diet who happens to have the intestinal tract of a nuclear reactor.
Joe says: “I eat ordinary food just like everyone else, but no insect can lay a foot on me, not even a fly.”
He’s merely a run-of-the-mill man…
He’s just, you know, Joe Blow.
“I smell like a normal man, and I bathe daily, and my farts are just like everyone else, they are only dangerous to small insects and especially mosquitoes.”
But he has dreams of explosive success — if he can only trap lightning in a bottle…
“Imagine buying a Raid can with my face on it!”
Indeed — from The Sun:
[Joe] claims to have been signed up by insect repellent companies probing the secret of his killer gas.
…
[He] dreams of marketing his gas…
Joe Rwamirama from Kampala, Uganda is cashing in on his unique and deadly farts that kill mosquitoes instantly.
Two big mosquito repellent companies are paying Joe millions to study his farts so they can convert them into a mosquito repellent product. pic.twitter.com/G2gusbxF2w
— Clive Wanguthi (@WanguthiClive) December 10, 2019
However:
Claims that Joe’s wind has evolved to combat malaria emerged online yesterday – but the two companies linked to him were not identified and the claims could not be verified.
🙁
Still, the superhero seems like he’s got a bright future ahead of him. Or, perhaps, behind.
Unless, of course, his nemesis sniffs him out.
For every great hero, there’s a supervillain waiting.
Let us all pray, dear readers, that Super Joe never meets his arch rival, that modern day Green (New) Goblin, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. If so, just wait ’til the cowfart fighter gets a load of him.
The battle will be one for the ages. A real holey war.
You may be wondering if I have a video; you bet I do.
But it isn’t of Joe. Ladies and gentlemen, I leave you with what may very well be Joe’s Kryptonite:
-ALEX
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