Life in a small town can be interesting. As the old saying goes, “Bad gas travels fast in a small town,” so you want to exercise some discretion in your gossip, but there are always a few people in any small community who can be relied upon to be up-to-date on all the local news. Usually, these folks work someplace where everyone goes; the post office, the gas station, the liquor store. When one moves into one of these small communities it usually takes some time to dope out just who has reliable gossip news of the neighborhood and who is blowing smoke, but once you do, I can promise you more accurate and more interesting news than you’re liable to get from the local newspaper.

So this week, speaking of news, we have a couple of dumb crooks and a few local heroes.

Were they trying to steal… garbage?

Alaska State Troopers found Jeantamas Brown, 42, and Scott Aiken, 61, trespassing in the Holmes Transfer Site after it had closed.  They were issued summonses to appear in court for Trespassing 2nd Degree and ejected from the property.

For those who aren’t familiar with this aspect of life in rural Alaska, a transfer site is a place where the Borough leaves several big dumpsters where residents may deposit trash at the rate of $3 per 33-gallon trash bag, or more for larger items. There’s nothing else at these sites unless these dumb crooks were operating on the assumption that there may have been some cash still left in the attendant’s booth, which seems unlikely.

Alaska Man score: 1.5 of 5 moose nuggets. They gave us something to laugh at, but seriously, breaking into the garbage transfer site? I guess like really does call to like.

Now, there are dumb crooks, and then there are really dumb crooks. And sometimes a dumb crook makes you do a double-take and ask, “Wait, what? Expelling what from where? While in what cell?”

On 9/3/2024 Nome SDEU was notified by Anvil Mountain Correctional Center (AMCC) that inmate Arthur Kobuk, 27 YOA of Saint Michael, was expelling balloons suspected to contain narcotics from his rectal cavity while in dry-cell. Nome SDEU responded to AMCC and ultimately took possession of nine balloons which contained the following controlled substances: 18.2 grams Marijuana bud, 26.8 grams Marijuana concentrate, and 6.3 grams tobacco.

He should be grateful none of those balloons burst while in his… orifice. That may have led to the world’s most embarrassing overdose.

Alaska Man score: 2.25 of 5 moose nuggets. OK, it’s an eyebrow-raising feat. But smuggling drugs into jail? No good.

Finally: Alaska is heavily represented on the U.S. Cross Country Ski Team, which shouldn’t really come as any surprise.

Rosie Brennan, Gus Schumacher and JC Schoonmaker headline a group of 10 athletes with Alaska connections who have been named to the 2024-25 Stifel U.S. Cross Country Ski Team.

APU Elite Team member Brennan, a stalwart of the American World Cup team, is joined by four other skiers, including Jessie Diggins, on the women’s A Team. Brennan’s APU teammate Novie McCabe was named to the B Team.

Anchorage’s Schumacher, who last year made history as the first American man to win a World Cup distance event in more than 40 years, is in his first year on the men’s A Team. He’s joined by APU teammate Schoonmaker, who was also a collegiate skier at UAA.

I’m not a sportsball guy, but here in Alaska, we’re all proud of all our local heroes. We are a state with 733,000 residents in a land bigger than Texas, California, and Montana combined, so we tend to stick together and root for our fellow Alaskans, even if it’s a sporting event that wouldn’t otherwise interest us.

Alaska Man score: 5 moose nuggets. Make us proud, all of you!

Now then - a brief treatise on seasons political and otherwise, with some notes on local politics, which may well affect the balance of the U.S. House next year.