Hollywood has spoken: Residents of beleaguered Springfield, Ohio, must embrace the hordes of Haitian immigrants — and their unique cultural traditions — that have been foisted upon the small town. 

Springfield, of course, has been in the headlines the past few weeks due to claims that some in the immigrant community have been kidnapping and eating pets. Ambitious reporters have been descending in droves on the town in western Ohio in the hopes of determining once and for all what's happening to the animal population there. Donald Trump even made it fodder at the presidential debate on Tuesday. 

Singer John Legend, who once lived in Springfield, decided what the entire spectacle needed was his point of view. As a reminder, Legend is a raging leftist who supports criminals being released (and gets preferential treatment in return), looks down on Trump supporters, wanted you to stay the heck home during COVID, and is married to Chrissy Teigen, one of the internet's most well-known bullies. A moral authority on anything he is not.

Nonetheless, Legend released a video urging the good people of Springfield to accept the immigrants in their town, along with their "dietary preferences." He assures everyone that "Nobody’s eating cats. Nobody’s eating dogs."

He somehow knows this, of course, all the way in his heavily fortified mansion in Beverly Hills. 

Legend went on, “How about we love another?” And referred to himself as “John R. Stevens from Springfield,” using his given name. This bears noting: The guy who wants all the schlubs in his hometown to be more genial, humble, and accepting gave himself the last name of "Legend." So there's that.

Here is the legend in his own mind and in his own words:

Actor John Legend urges the people of Springfield, Ohio, to embrace their Haitian neighbors, calling it the Christian thing to do.

With a net worth of $100M, Legend has voiced his support for the Haitian immigrants settling in his hometown.

I think the Christian thing to do… pic.twitter.com/PxN0nMLTFW

— I Meme Therefore I Am 🇺🇸 (@ImMeme0) September 13, 2024

There's a lot to unpack, so let's start here:

“We didn’t have enough opportunity, so people left and went somewhere else,” said Legend, who changed his Instagram handle to show he was from Springfield despite moving away years ago.

“When I was there, we had upwards of 75,000 people, and in the last five years, we were down to like 60,000 people,” he said.

So, if the lack of opportunity in Springfield led to so many residents to relocate to other regions, how will all the immigrants find jobs? Will Hollywood magic make opportunity appear out of nowhere? How can a legend like John be expected to have all the answers? He couldn't even manage to get out of his bathrobe before making this video.

Luckily, he's apparently an amateur sociologist.

“They usually do very well here,” Legend said. “They are hard-working. They are ambitious. They commit less crime than native-born Americans, and they will assimilate and integrate in time, but it takes time.”

Hear that, all you buffoons? Hollywood elites assure you that all it takes is some time. Not that they would know, since they live in opulent fortresses in fantasy land that make sure real life never makes an appearance. They're hardly flinging open their gilded gates and inviting in the streaming masses of immigrants, are they? But, remember, you're the racist.

The best part has to be when Legend invokes religion to shame those who may disagree with him on how to deal with the situation in Springfield. 

“I grew up in the Christian tradition. We said to love our neighbor as we love ourselves and treat strangers as though they might be Christ,” Legend said.

Not that he's offering his home or his treasure to do that. That's for the peons.

The whole thing is insufferable and has vibes of the legendary tone deaf rendering of "Imagine" put out by celebrities at the start of the pandemic. They look down on you. They pity you. They think you're not smart enough to figure things out on your own. They're wrong.