Alexandria, Virginia — the town where a young George Washington surveyed the streets — is getting shelled for urging residents to snitch on their neighbors for using fireworks this Independence Day.
That includes sparklers. Sparklers!
(Side note — If you are the type of man compelled to report your neighbors for giving their kids sparklers, then may I suggest a testosterone transfusion? If you're a woman operating under the same premise, perhaps a legal name change to Karen is in order.)
But, I digress.
"Fireworks are illegal in Alexandria, including sparklers," reads an official city X post. "Report illegal fireworks by calling 311."
The message has all the energy of an undersized elementary school hall monitor who uses masking tape to hold their glasses' frames together.
Fireworks are illegal in Alexandria, including sparklers. Report illegal fireworks by calling 311. Our show is next weekend. Join us for the City Birthday celebration on July 11 at Oronoco Bay Park. Free admission. More info at https://t.co/De5QV2xucz. pic.twitter.com/QP6nEwynmS
— AlexandriaVAGov (@AlexandriaVAGov) July 1, 2026
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The post has triggered a predictable (and thoroughly deserved) online roasting, with critics from across the country piling on to mock Alexandria’s underwhelming festive spirit.
"Oh, I’m sorry. I thought this was America," Townhall columnist Dustin Grage responded.
"You know who reports on their neighbors? Communists," another reader quipped. "Communists report on their neighbors."
It's true, as Dwight Schrute might say. Come to think of it, can you imagine what would happen to somebody in another liberal cesspool if they had sparklers and dropped their thermostat below 78? Straight to the gulag, one would have to assume.
Twitchy's PolitiBunny lit into Alexandria like a stray Roman Candle: "Leftists are miserable, bites-in-the-ass scolds. No joy allowed."
Indeed.
Perhaps the liberal enclave should consider the fact that there are no truly illegal fireworks. They're simply undocumented.
In Alexandria, Virginia, they want you to rat out your neighbors for their fireworks but will fight to their last breath to protect illegal aliens. https://t.co/ETjybEbT49
— Tim Murtaugh (@TimMurtaugh) July 2, 2026
George Washington had a deep, decades-long connection to Alexandria, where he helped survey and lay out the original town plan as a 17-year-old in 1749.
The official city website brags that the nation's first President "considered Alexandria his hometown."
He owned a townhouse there for business and overnight stays, worshipped at Christ Church, and frequently dined and socialized at Gadsby’s Tavern.
Can you imagine if the man who won the American Revolution with bombs bursting in air and all that somehow time-traveled to the modern day and found out he couldn't celebrate Independence Day with ... a sparkler?
"These Alexandrians have quite lost their senses, and having led brave Men to risk all for Liberty, they would have Neighbors inform upon one another for the harmless Sport of Fireworks and Illuminations upon the Glorious Fourth!" he might say.
Or something.
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