OK so here’s the deal: You can look at this ridiculous story in a number of ways. From disgusting to pathetic to hilariously absurd, PETA President Ingrid Newkirk isn’t about to be outdone by just any run-of-the-mill woke stunt; when PETA takes it to the paint, these people are riding the Crazy Train Express.

Before we continue, here’s a quintessential example of the absurd lengths to which the “People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals” will go on the Crazy Train. As my colleague Jennifer Oliver O-Connell reported in October 2021: PETA Wants Baseball to Replace ‘Bullpen’ With ‘Arm Barn,’ Cementing their Place in Clown World.

In other words, while decent people everywhere are vehemently opposed to the abuse of animals, a normal person doesn’t storm into a restaurant crying about she rescued “little girl, Snow” — who turns out to be a chicken — and sobbingly blurt out:

Someone was going to murder her. I went in there with other humans and I took her out of there and if I hadn’t, she wouldn’t be with me right now.

Yeah, I couldn’t stop myself from digressing — but crazy gonna crazy.

Anyway, as reported by Fox News, Kirkwood on Monday described in graphic detail her plans — which she claims are contained in her updated will — to request her flesh to be donated for a post-death “human barbecue,” according to a Monday announcement.

Flesh is flesh, and mine is given, not taken. The thought of carving up human flesh for steaks might be just the thing to jolt diners into kindness.

The PETA prez went on to describe her desire for her flesh to be “carve[d] out — and sear some [of her flesh to] fry up with onions for a human barbecue.”

Mmm-mmm, love me some fried onions. Ketchup, anyone?

PETA said in a statement:

[Her] will ensures that even after her demise, Newkirk will continue to help animals and honors her commitment that ‘my body be used in a manner that draws attention to needless animal suffering and exploitation.’

Sorry, no.

Silly statements like this don’t do a damn thing to “help animals,” nor do they stop rational people from eating meat. Ethical treatment of animals should not be confused with ridiculous attempts to “jolt diners into kindness.” Rather, this goofy stunt once again illustrates the farcical, unrealistic demands of farcical, unrealistic people.

PETA continued:

Newkirk’s bodily bequests will inspire animal advocates while also encouraging everyone still slumbering in speciesism to wake up.

Speciesism is the belief that all other animal species are inferior to humans. Look, I don’t want to rain on PETA’s parade, but why don’t chimpanzees, for example, at least build crappy cars or crappy airplanes if their intellect is on par with that of humans? Moreover, people who adopt dogs and cats don’t do so with the belief that their new companions are “inferior,” do they?

Wait— I’m trying to approach PETA’s hogwash from a rational perspective — my bad.

Incidentally, Newkirk also requests that her skin be peeled off and used to make leather goods, such as a belt and purse.

Several years ago, I saw a stand-up comedian do a bit about PETA — and the guy totally nailed it: “If God didn’t want us to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat?”

Ahh, but here’s the thing about the “God thing,” PETA-style:

The left-wing activist group has rewritten the Bible’s Book of Genesis, in which animals are referred to as “beings” rather than “beasts” or “creatures,” and plants like hemp and bamboo are used for clothing instead of animal skins because “no one with any fashion or moral sense would wear animal skins in the 21st century.”

OK, my head hurts — I’m out.