Dr. Fauci Explains Inept Opening Pitch: ‘I Completely Miscalculated the Distance From The Mound’ – NOT A PARODY

AP Photo/Andrew Harnik
AP featured image
(AP Photo/Andrew Harnik)


In the 10 countries for which data is available, the lowest median age for COVID-19 fatalities is 8o.  In Sweden, which decided to forgo wrecking their economy and callously imposing isolation on those of its citizens already struggling with depression or addiction, the median age of decedents is a whopping 86.

The Wuhan strain of coronavirus is basically harmless if you’re not old or antecedently ill. So it’s tough to see how Dr. Fauci’s novel strategy of putting perfectly healthy people in quarantine and all the predictable misery, hardship, and death that ensued could have possibly been warranted.

Indeed, the enormous death toll caused by forcing infected patients into nursing homes likely would have been avoided had Fauci not taken the focus off of those who were truly at risk and created a wholly unjustified panic that millions of healthy young people were going to start dying.

One question with which future historians of COVID-1984 will have to grapple is whether Fauci is really as inept as his disastrous shifting-with-the-political-winds medical advice would seem to indicate or, instead, is deliberately trying to sabotage Trump’s re-election bid.

If Fauci’s incompetence is a ruse, however, it’s not just Trump he’s after. He’s clearly also working very hard to put the Babylon Bee out of business.

How can even the Bee’s brilliant satirists possibly top this headline from today’s Daily Wire:

Fauci Explains His Errant Opening Day Pitch: ‘Completely Miscalculated Distance From The Mound’

The Daily Wire has been talking about rebranding. So at first, I assumed they’d taken the plunge and were now competing with the Babylon Bee as a parody site. But, no, that’s an actual quote from the New York Times in which the Bumbler-in-Chief himself explaining that widely errant opening pitch he threw a few nights back.

Since the Times itself has unofficially rebranded its slogan from “All the News that’s Fit to Print” to “Orange Man Bad,” its headline, of course, was a petty attempt to make Trump look bad along the lines of those stories that he was spreading toxicity and bankrupting the nation by regularly consuming, not just one, but two scoops of ice cream:

Trump Announced, Then Canceled, a Yankees Pitch. Both Came as a Surprise.

The bastard.

Once the Time’s readers have gotten their recommended daily allowance of Trump-bashing, however, we get to hear Fauci’s explanation of why he wound up pitching like a drunk and blindfolded Pee-Wee Herman. And his story begins almost as comically as it ends.

Last week, Dr. Fauci was determined to come to the Nationals mound prepared.

It seems that, as determined as he was, Fauci wasn’t able to successfully measure out the distance between the pitcher’s mound and home plate for his practice session. Though he tried to parse out the correct 60 feet, he somehow wound up accidentally practicing from only 40 feet instead.

Fauci’s uproarious tale continues, “[The catcher] looked to me like he was like 500 feet away. That made me throw it much harder than I had been practicing,” culminating in that brilliant punchline:

“I completely miscalculated the distance from the mound.”

As the Daily Wire’s Joseph Curl noted

In a national poll conducted by The New York Times and Siena College in the middle of June, 76% of respondents said they trusted Fauci for “accurate information” about the COVID-19 pandemic, compared with 26% who said they trusted President Trump.

So the man three-fourths of the nation trusts more than Trump for accurate information can’t even successfully measure out a distance of 60 feet when preparing for a task at which he’s “determined” to succeed.

If somebody doesn’t get Fauci off of the national stage pretty soon, apart from all the carnage, it looks like the folks at the Babylon Bee are going to have to find another line of work.


Trending on RedState Videos