Being an editor myself, and also a very good person, I decided to help The New York Times rework their recruitment post into something that was a bit more accurate. After all, in our business we treasure accuracy, don’t we, NYT Editorial Board Member Mara Gay?

See if you can spot the math error. 🤦‍♂️ pic.twitter.com/V3b7pRqYUe

— Scott English (@iamscottenglish) March 6, 2020

Anyway – here is a revised job posting. Out of the kindness of my heart.

• The New York Times is looking for a proactive, creative, submissive, incurious  digitally-experienced editor to shape maintain its homogenous Opinion report and help lead the department help lead millennial writers to their safe spaces in the event of a Republican guest writer. Responsibilities will include helping set a strategy for the department’s signature coverage and then directing day-to-day implementation of that strategy,  ignoring all negative news stories that relate to Democrats, liberals, the election, Hunter Biden or any Biden parental units, and lockdowns, and directing a team of editors and visual and audio journalists sycophants who haven’t ever been allowed to think for themselves or question authority.  The deputy editor has excellent news judgment  is judgmental and takes ownership of, and pride in what we publish. The ownership part is particularly important because we will definitely not defend you in the case of a cancel culture level event. You will help recruit and edit new team members who will one day go on to replace you when you make the mistake of gendering yourself in an opinion piece,  and Opinion columnists and contributors . You will represent Times Opinion in conversation with journalistic and business leaders across the Times.

• We’re looking for an editor with a sense of humor absolutely no sense of humor, as most humor can be offensive, hurtful and triggering; and a spine of steel wet spaghetti noodles as you will be expected to fold and apologize at the first sign of controversy; a confident an approved point of view and an open mind so long as you do not take seriously the viewpoints of any individual who isn’t a progressive Democrat with at least three LGBT family members, one of whom must also be a racial or ethnic minority, an appetite for low-risk opining and exacting moderately passable standards for excellence regurgitating Democrat talking points in writing and visual presentation. We’re looking for someone who wants to grow ban big ideas to make the world a better bitter place, and to have kill fun doing it.

• The Times Opinion team aims to promote the most important and provocative debate across a range of subjects – including politics, global affairs, technology, culture, and business – and is passionate about including a vast array of diverse voices and perspectives. You have curiosity and an understanding of the opinion ecology of the Web and of how to interpret and apply digital metrics. And this editor must be a sensitive and deft manager who is committed to advancing a workplace and culture that is inclusive, open and fair. Be less white. Talk about diversity a lot while making sure everyone around is from the same social class, city, educational background and ideology. True diversity is only achieved by judging people based on how they look, so don’t try to get fancy with it. Experience managing a multi-layered team of journalists required. This is a masthead position, with the title of Deputy Opinion Editor, reporting to the Opinion Editor.

Applications are due March 17th, in case you’re interested.