With less than three weeks left in his presidency, Barack Obama still has a lot of work to finish. There is no rest for a narcissistic failure desperate to save his legacy. *RedState has obtained a leaked document detailing Obama’s list of items to do before leaving office.
1. Finally close the detention facility Guantanamo Bay, grant full pardons to all current detainees and provide them with federally funded condos in Trump Tower until they can get back on their feet.
2. Because he has become too dependent on human beings and cannot be reasonably expected to survive if released into the wild, establish a new federal agency tasked with the care and feeding of Joe Biden.
3. Fast track an investigation to get to the bottom of this newly hatched Republican election-fraud scheme known as “The Electoral College.”
4. Grant a full pardon to Mumia Abu Jamal and add former Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson to the “disposition matrix.”
5. Issue an executive order proclaiming “mom jeans” to be the official pants of the United States of America.
6. Propose Constitutional Amendment requiring all future State of the Union addresses be “slow-jammed” between two ferns in a bathtub full of milk and Froot Loops.
7. Grant funding to the National Science Foundation to conduct research into why former Attorney General Eric Holder looks like a Muppet.
8. Check to see if Bill Ayers is available to ghostwrite his next three autobiographical books: The Unprecedented-ness of Change, The Historical-ness of Being Clear, and Dreams from Frank Marshall Davis.
9. Issue an executive order henceforth banning anything that is not “fair.”
10. Direct the U.S. National Park Service to ensure that when building the inevitable towering monument to his greatness, care is taken to render his ears in a more flattering proportion.
*For the humor-challenged Americans in our audience, RedState unequivocally states that this post is literally fake news.