The secret group that recently erected a “Ready for Hillary” sign in front of North Carolina’s largest women’s prison is now advocating re-naming one of the most famous penal facilities in New York State after Hillary Clinton.
“The Suspect Hillary Clinton is still at large,” said the spokesperson for the group Justice for All, citizens outraged that Hillary Clinton got off scott free for her reckless endangerment of US national security when others guilty of far less have received prison sentences.
“We do not expect her to turn herself in with a plea bargain offer of admitting to any crime or crimes in exchange for less time in prison,” said the spokesperson. “Even if she said she would, everybody knows you can’t believe a thing she says. But we, like most Americans who still believe in equal justice under the law, think she still could – and should – be indicted as a result of either, or both, the pay-to-play scandal surrounding her and the Clinton Foundation or perjury during her testimony before Congress. And who knows what else she and her accomplice Wild Bill have done that has yet to come out?
So while we await indictments,” he said, “we are excited to report that in our ongoing effort to help make more Americans think prison when they think of The Suspect Hillary Clinton, we are today announcing our proposal to re-name one of New York State’s most famous penal facilities after her. We think this proposal may be the one and only idea that might have some appeal for both her enablers and her opponents.”
We accept the fact that The Suspect Hillary Clinton is the most famous resident of the State of New York. And while it may be true that even so many New Yorkers, like many other Americans, were shocked that the FBI allowed her to remain at large when any sensible person thought she was America’s Most Wanted Criminal, we accept the notion that New York deserves to have its most famous citizen be able to remain in the Empire State housed in a New York State prison when the time finally comes.
So it is to avoid potential bickering over which prison gets The Suspect Hillary Clinton that we are urging, in the interest of national unity and as a gesture to encourage The Suspect to more fully cooperate with law enforcement in the future, that everyone agree that when justice finally prevails her future home be in Dannemora, New York, at the prison sometimes referred to by the name of the town but officially known as The Clinton Correctional Facility, in the Clinton County town of Dannemora.
We are also proposing that as a special welcoming gesture the name be changed as soon as possible from The Clinton Correctional Facility to The Hillary Clinton Correctional Facility.
Following his announcement advocating the prison name change only RedState was present to question him. Transcript follows:
RedState: We’re the only outlet covering your news conference. Do you think perhaps this is because the alert you sent to the media stated that you’d be making a minor announcement? Why in the world did you describe it as a minor announcement?
Spokesperson: Everyone who schedules a news conference always claims they’ll be making a major announcement, right?
RedState: Yes, but…
Spokesperson (interrupting): But nothing. They hardly ever are. We’re honest. On the scale of things re-naming a prison isn’t really, truly a major matter. Not like launching a war or indicting a candidate for president. You must recognize this and respect honesty or you wouldn’t be here. The others, well, maybe they like being lied to – that could explain why they’re for The Suspect Hillary Clinton. Or maybe they’re just dumb, which could also explain why they’re cheerleaders for her. But journalists who keep running to news conferences called by people who keep labeling them major announcements when they’re not are like a dog who keeps on running to the door every time the door bill rings even though it’s never one of his friends coming by for him.
RedState: Yeah, OK. What about the campaign you began last week to erect “Ready for Hillary” signs outside prisons across the country? Is that still on?
Spokesperson: We continue to urge patriots to acquire now obsolete discarded “Ready for Hillary” signs that Clinton distributed to supporters back when she was pretending to be merely considering a possible run for the presidency. Larger ones should be placed on the grounds of major prisons and jails and the smaller ones given to sheriffs and chiefs-of-police for placement inside empty jail cells.
RedState: But now you’re recommending which prison should get her. Doesn’t this conflict with your effort to dot the country’s prison landscape with “Ready for Hillary” signs?
Spokesperson: First I have to say that everyone knows that RedState is sympathetic to our political outlook yet you are taking a Devil’s Advocate position in your questioning. Great. That’s what any good journalist should do – no matter who you question ask the obvious questions, especially if they’re tough ones, to get to the truth. I wish all the others did this.
RedState: So what’s the answer to my question.
Spokesperson: I was getting to it but got distracted by a rare spotting of journalistic integrity. No, we see no conflict for us in a two front attack, just more conflict for The Suspect.
RedState: Why do you keep referring to her as The Suspect?
Spokesperson: Because that’s what she is. She is accused of things that are clearly crimes but thus far while the court of public opinion views this lying crook to be guilty she still must be indicted and then convicted in a court of law. We think her day will come.
Spokesperson (interrupting): You didn’t let me finish answering your earlier question. We cannot be certain that she will eventually be assigned to the prison we are urging be re-named after her. Other prisons may demand her. Also, as I’ve explained, we want to make Americans think prison when they think Hillary Clinton and having as many “Ready for Hillary” signs in front of as many prisons as possible remains a good way to accomplish this important goal.
RedState: Why did you refer to former president Bill Clinton as “Wild Bill”?
Spokesperson: Take a wild guess. Next question.
RedState: What will you do if the Federal Elections Commission charges that by erecting “Ready for Hillary” signs on prison grounds all over the country you are making an in-kind contribution to her campaign?
Spokesperson: Laugh. We’ll laugh. Out loud.
RedState: But how do you rebut? What if it came to a court test? How do you persuade a judge or maybe a jury that erecting lots of “Ready for Hillary” signs, even though they’re in front of prisons and jails, cannot possibly be construed to be an in-kind contribution?
Spokesperson: Easy. We tell the truth: it’s something entirely different; it’s an unkind contribution. Kind. In-kind. Unkind. Most people understand each is different.
RedState: Isn’t this prison that you want to re-name after her and see her imprisoned in a maximum security prison?
Spokesperson: Of course.
RedState: Of course? You really believe she should be put in a maximum security prison?
Spokesperson: Think about it: She has a history of making places she’s around become less secure. So clearly it would be, to use a phrase the Director of the FBI has made famous, extremely careless for anyone to take a chance with her and anything that in any way involves security.
RedState: Isn’t that the same New York State prison that two prisoners escaped from last year aided by prison insiders and resulting in a three-week search in which one of them was killed and the other wounded?
Spokesperson: Yes. Now do you see my point that we can’t be too careful?
RedState: What were they in for?
Spokesperson: The official record says both were sent to prison for committing murder. It’s not part of any official record but – who knows? – the fact that they were not the Democrat nominee for President of the United States may have had something to do with their not being able to avoid serving time.
RedState: Woah! I just noticed that the prison you are talking about her ending up in is a men’s prison. It’s a men’s prison!
RedState: But she’s a woman!
Spokesperson: In keeping with the Democrat vision for America she strongly opposes making distinctions based upon gender. Surely you know that. They don’t like it when people like you and me use words like men and women or boy and girl or male and female. She’d love being in a gender-neutral prison. Well, that is, if she’s going to be in prison why not one that’s in harmony with her outlook, right? Otherwise, next thing you know, Democrats will be screaming that being in a prison that is not gender neutral constitutes cruel and unusual punishment.
RedState: But doesn’t she say you should go by the gender with which you identify?
Spokesperson: Don’t you get it that you can’t believe anything she says? I thought you weren’t part of the mainstream media. Next you going to suggest that we free from prisons anyone who claims not to identify as a prisoner?
RedState: I didn’t suggest any such thing!
Spokesperson: I know. Just trying to rattle you. But you really should realize there’s no big issue having her in a men’s prison. She identifies as a man.
RedState: How do you know she identifies as a man?
Spokesperson: Try to imagine The Suspect Hillary Clinton in a dress. Go ahead. Dare you – try to imagine it. You can’t do it. She dresses in pants suits. Everywhere she goes – pants suits. Probably been checking around to make sure they come in with black-and white stripes. Clearly she identifies as a man. Seems to me that the man she identifies as is Kim Jong-un, except the goofy outfit he favors is a tad more stylish.
RedState: Are you working on behalf of the Trump campaign?
Spokesperson: Are you being serious?
RedState: What’s that supposed to mean?
Spokesperson: Come on, does it look to you like anyone is working on behalf of the Trump campaign? Trump isn’t even working on behalf of the Trump campaign!
RedState: Can I ask one more question?
End of news conference.