As we complete another solar lap, today is Earth Day, which means one thing: WE ARE DOOMED!

Hello everyone, allow me to wish you a joyous Happy Earth Day! This means, of course — because this is an environmentalist national holiday, after all – that there is nothing at all happy or joyous about today because we need to focus solely on doom and the promise of our demise. Hey, don’t scream at me; this is the consensus of the scientific community. 

Welllllll — in actuality, it is really more the consensus of the media covering the scientific community — but this is serious stuff! So long as you don’t analyze their claims, that is. This is because in the mad rush to report on anything and everything that can be connected to planetary calamity, they do not exactly do the research.

Beginning from the very first Earth Day in 1970, there were issues. Much of the propaganda sermonizing coming from that event concerned us freezing to death from the inevitable approaching ice age. Also, famine was due to wipe out billions by the end of the century, pollution would block the sun and citizens would need gas masks, acid rain would kill all plant life, and we’d run out of oil…uh, 30 years ago.

To be fair, we have seen some severe starvation, but that was due to Venezuelan political policy. 

There are some problems with the creation of this day, beyond being 180 degrees out of phase with what today’s degrees would be. Now, some may want to overstate the fact that the founder of the event, Ira Einhorn, murdered his girlfriend, but it is important to understand that he lived by example — he did compost her body.

Well, we listened to those campfire horror stories and took action, and just look at what happened. We ramped up our oil usage so now we are heating up the planet as we are killing people with obesity due to an excess of GMO foodstuffs. We can’t win. 

So amidst this settled confusion, I wish to help you out today, on this Birthday of the Earth! In the name of education, below I will give you many of the promised disasters. 

Zoological Change

Let us begin with nature, the first victim in this natural disaster. Obviously many species are going to die off, but for those that survive, it will be a far different life. 

To start, hedgehogs will be going bald. Yes, I know — grievous news, but you really need to pull yourself together; we have a long road ahead, and things will get far worse. Also, oysters will be plagued – by herpes. (I told you, we all need to worry.)

What about those remaining creatures that may survive? Those will see varying degrees of success. Mainly, they will kill us. There will be new sharks created, and they will all attack us more frequently. Crocodiles will be driven from the water to seek us out, and vampire bats will become a plasma scourge, while marauding jellyfish will be hunting us down. 

Now, I can hear you thinking — “I’ll just avoid the ocean…and, bat environments!” Sorry.  Even benign garden creatures will take us over, be they earthworms, or toads, or even those innocent-to-this-point slugs!

A Grocery End

We may actually want to welcome these fatal attacks, given how our own lifestyles will become a nightmarish hellscape! Just look at our food supply. Say goodbye to guacamole. Do you like Italian food? Too bad, pasta is on its way out. If you like cereal in the morning it is buyer beware, because “killer cornflakes” will be arriving. And not only will the lack of snow diminish Christmas but we will lose gingerbread houses in the process!

Social Downheaval

As a society, global warming means we are poised to devolve into a morass of incivility. Ladies – your sex lives are about to become WAY different.  The rising heat means more women will be cheating while they are on vacation. Those lasses who cannot afford to travel will still be busy, as they will be turning to prostitution.  As for those in the middle class, you will be victims of the rapes that are sure going to become all the rage. And identifying their assailant will become more difficult, as they will notice more of their attackers are not circumcised.

Beyond this, obviously, slavery is going to make a big comeback. And I don’t think I am shocking anyone here, since everyone already assumes that we will see more witch executions as the temperatures rise.

Always Settle for More

One thing about the planet heating up that is constantly beaten over my head with a snow shovel is how this environmental disaster is assured. Whether it is global cooling, global warming, climate change, or now Climate Emergency, just know all the scientists agree — It’s Settled! (The science, that is, just not the naming of it.) 

Now I am open to these sound theories, except I have one quibble. In looking over the data that is offered up as “indisputable proof” that Global Wa– … that is, Climate Cha–… I mean Climate Emergency is a certainty, I have one question:

Why is so much of the “settled science” data so contradictory? I may be more open to these claims on which scientists are all on the same page if they did not keep offering up pages of conflicting promises.

Let’s start with those sharks I mentioned earlier. Recall how they will be attacking us more frequently? We are also told they will be attacking us less, as a result of global warming. Or, climate change. This only sends us down a long and winding path of unsettled certainty with global alterations. Basically, we see that when science reaches a fork in the road the answer is “Take it.”

Let us look at the effects on our beaches. AGW will make the oceans saltier; also, it will lead to the oceans becoming lower in sodium at the same time. The change in climate is promised to make ocean waves much bigger. It is also having a negative impact by making the waves…uh, well much smaller.

Global warming is going to have a diminishing effect on coral reefs. The good news is something will help the reefs grow; global warming.

Part of the reason we’ll be heating up is due to an increase in clouds which will have heat-trapping effects. Another reason we’ll be heating up is there will be fewer clouds, no longer trapping heat but we will roast in the sunlight.  UNLESS – that increase in clouds will reflect that sunlight and shade the planet. OR, we’ll see a decrease in clouds altogether…which means they will NOT be trapping the heat…nor will they reflect the sun, which is either bad or good, depending. Truthfully, when it comes to discussing climate change, just avoid any mention of clouds at all; you will just make the doomsday prophets cranky.

Also, the Earth’s rotation will become affected by climate change. We just cannot be sure if it will start turning faster or slowing down. Whichever happens, just be sure it’s bad.

Obviously, as we heat up it means there will be less snow, but that means fewer avalanches. Except, we are also promised mountain regions will also experience more avalanches. Not sure how the math works out on that one. Probably best to just hope for the best.

Growing Confusion

The effect climate change will have on the plant life of the planet is readily reported, but some of these reports are barking up the wrong weather-affected tree. The impending Climate Emergency will cause the stunting of tree growth, followed by deforestation. This is countered with the promise it will spur a faster growth of trees, leading to an expansion of our forests. Huh.

There is even conflict regarding the effect on the trees themselves. The impact will be to make trees less colorful… while causing them to exhibit more color.

Farming will experience a severe negative impact from drought and a loss of soil, but at the same time, farming will experience an expansion. Either way, crop production predictions are dire. Banana production will actually increase due to a warmer climate. Oh, wait, nope – the increase in predatory bugs will kill them off. Sorry. Also affected will be truffles. We just have not decided if they will become more plentiful, or if there will be a shortage.

With all this canceled out stress I know what you are thinking: Surely this will have an impact on beer, correct? Of course! It will either be horrible for hops production or will lead to a drop in barley crops. Whichever the case, one thing we know for certain, beer will become more expensive.

The Former Animal Planet

The animal kingdom also gives us plenty of promised paradoxes. Butterflies are at once imperiled by environmental alterations, and they are rescued. Recall those oysters contracting sexually transmitted diseases? Well, the good news is if they don’t die from STDs they will become gigantic in size.

Penguin chicks are threatened, but we cannot decide how. Either they have to deal with increased rain and heat, or they will freeze to death. In any case, those little bastards are screwed. Adding to the chaos, our fish will start going deaf.

Perhaps, of all the concrete guesswork, one conflict illustrates the bi-polarity of settled science: We cannot even come to a decision on pirates. The experts are even unsettled on whether we are going to see more of the privateers, or fewer buccaneers due to global warming. If they cannot nail this down, what else have they gotten wrong?

This all strikes me as an extensive list of combative data pointed to as “proof” for a subject said to be iron-clad settled. But I suppose if everything can be blamed on global warming then it doesn’t matter, since those items cancel themselves out. By all appearances, the main thing that is agreed upon is that whatever does happen with global-climate-warming-change it is assuredly disastrous.

All I know is I am racing to get a bowl of cereal now — before it rears up and kills me!