Pulitzer Prize Parody Nominations: Zebras Amok, Turkeys Cost Bucks, and Aliens Are Cucks

(AP Photo/Stack’s Bowers Galleries)

Our weekly recognition of less-than-meritorious excellence in journalism is worthy of Pulitzer consideration.

As an extension of the media-mocking venture at Townhall, Riffed From The Headlines, we once again recognize the exalted performances in our journalism industry and compile worthy submissions to the Pulitzer Prize board in numerous categories. To properly recognize the low watermark in the press, let us get right to the latest exemplars of journalistic mis-excellence.

 

Distinguished National Reporting

  • Janai Norman – Good Morning America

The GMA crew were all in with delivering some bad tidings for the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday regarding turkeys. They were all about the rise in prices for the birds, and that demand will be higher with lowered stocks. There were some factors, like inflation maybe, labor shortages, and transport challenges. But there was one main problem.

Global warming. Yep.

 

Distinguished Local Reporting

  • Alenea Cremen — WUSA Channel 9 News

About a month ago, we reported on the deeply serious story of five zebras escaping from a ranch outside of the D.C. area. Well, after all of this time, they are still running free, and now a new plan has been hatched to attempt recapturing them.

Now, I am not one to suggest that they could be adding to the problem – the officials looking to wrangle the beasts are the ones saying this.

 

Distinguished Explanatory Reporting

  • Rolling Stone

The once-great music magazine has been struggling for significance for some time now, and not helping their cause has been the lurches made toward being a legitimate news source which has blown up in its masthead. Just last month, Rolling Stone was the source of the laughably debunked story of Ivermectin poisonings leading to hospitals overflowing.

The magazine should just settle back and accept the truth – this is the kind of reporting they are better attuned to deliver.

 

Distinguished Local Reporting

  • Ruth Marcus — Washington Post

Ruth delivered a gripping and revealing exchange she experienced recently to underscore the gravity of the pandemic. She got in an elevator – AND SOMEONE WALKED IN WITHOUT A MASK.

I know, I know; harrowing stuff. But Ms. Marcus details how she dealt with the scofflaw and put them in their place. The one thing that really underscores the warrior nature of these reporters is how willing they are to scold members of the gentry, yet have no words of condemnation for President Biden or Mayor Muriel Bowser, who were recently shown violating their own mask orders,

 

Distinguished Cultural Criticism

  • Petula Dvorak — Washington Post

Maybe it’s the white privilege talking, but there are some professions it just never occurred would be rife with racism. Color me surprised then to learn that zookeeping has been racially exclusionary. I assume. I just could not read much further than the gripping headline – Zookeeping Isn’t Common In The Black Community. This Black Zookeeper Wants To Change That.

Yea, it’s funny. I recall having this same conversation with an Ocelot groomer and the Ostrich gynecologist at one of the three bars in my community that caters to all the zookeepers.

 

Distinguished Cultural Commentary

  • DC Comics 

While everyone was up in arms over the depiction of a new Superman who was bi-sexual, there was an even more inspid display of the character we were served. In the effort to show how woke the Non-Binary-Gender-Fluid-Entity Of Steel could be the comic also showed the character participating in a climate protest.

When you are in possession of all the powers beyond any earthling the most effective thing you could possibly do to bring about change it to hold a cardboard sign.

 

Distinguished International Reporting

  • D. Lawrence, Mary Mrad, Chloe-Lee Longhetti — Daily Mail

The Australian extension of the British paper delivers this story of 81-year-old actor Paul Hogan, current Los Angeles resident, getting primed to get on an airline and fly back to Australia.

That’s it. That’s the story. It took THREE contributors to compile this non-report.