The Maudlin Prince: Please Harry, for the Love of Pete, Just Go Away

Prince Harry's new book, Spare (Credit: Amazon)
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You see them every day on social media or in DailyMail—aging stars and vapid “influencers” prancing around in bikinis for the cameras, showing off what are euphemistically referred to as “their toned physiques” or “impressive curves.” They’re selling T&A because they’ve reached a level where they don’t actually have to do porn to make money. While racy, some of these ladies seem so pathetic (think Madonna, Britney Spears, any Kardashian), that they can’t seem to go an hour without posting their latest thong pic or minuscule bikini photo, so attention-starved that they don’t believe they actually exist unless someone is ogling them on their phone or laptop.

Maybe I’m just jealous. I’m not bad-looking, but nobody’s clamoring for my bathing suit photos, and I’m not making billions or living in a Calabasas mansion.

But nobody is waiting breathlessly for shirtless snaps of Prince Harry, either, so he’s selling what he’s got—grievances. And boy, does he have a lot.

They started to trickle out during Harry’s infamous Oprah Winfrey interview when he and the ever-aggrieved Meghan Markle basically accused the Royal Family of racism because an unnamed dignitary wondered what their children might look like. I wrote about it at the time: I myself have mixed-race children and my wife and I often wondered what they’d look like before they came into this world, and we didn’t realize we were being racist. So sorry, my deepest apologies to all those I’ve offended and all that. (Not.)

Truth is, white couples speculate on what their kids will look like. Asian couples do too, black couples, pretty much everyone with an ounce of curiosity.

But Harry and Meghan weren’t done, oh no, they had lots more to say. In their nauseating six-part Netflix documentary, they whined about every conceivable slight and spoke of their tough lives on the streets of Montecito, California where they were forced to flee to a $14 million mansion to escape the toxic dangers of royal life. Since then, he’s gone on to deliver “vacuum cleaner of doom” speeches in front of the United Nations decrying the modern world. As I wrote at the time, “Harry was a somber, unsmiling bearer of doom and gloom,” implying “that it was all somehow your fault, but [he] offered no solutions or hope.”

Now, excerpts from Harry’s tell-all book, dolefully titled Spare, are leaking out, and the Prince is at again, accusing his older brother William of violence and his father, who has since gone on to be king after the death of Queen Elizabeth II, of neglect. While one might have some sympathy for Harry, who lost his mother Princess Diana at an early, age, he lost me with this one paragraph:

“He set down the water, called me another name, then came at me. It all happened so fast. So very fast. He grabbed me by the collar, ripping my necklace, and he knocked me to the floor. I landed on the dog’s bowl, which cracked under my back, the pieces cutting into me. I lay there for a moment, dazed, then got to my feet and told him to get out.”

Harry, the 6′ 1″ man who served in the British Royal Army for 10 years, is freaked out that his necklace was torn off? What did you do when you faced the Taliban, dude? Also, if you’re going to wear something around your neck, and you have a beard, call it a chain, not a necklace. According to the Guardian, “Harry says he didn’t immediately tell his wife — but did call his therapist.” If this isn’t a sign of the end of masculinity in the western world, I don’t know what is.

I have brothers and sisters, and yeah, we had some epic fights. One thing we didn’t do is tattle to everyone within shouting distance. Especially if we lost.

According to the leaked excerpts, Harry has plenty more to complain about in his maudlin tome. I’m frankly done, though—I’ve heard enough. The fact is, royal life must be difficult, and Diana’s death was traumatic. But the Complaining Couple had plenty of opportunities and could have walked away much more quietly to lucrative careers—but instead chose to burn it all down on the way out. Did they need to sully the memory of the longest-serving monarch in English history, Queen Elizabeth? Did he need to trash his father and brother as he escaped all the responsibilities of royal life while leaving them to try to pick up the pieces? No.

I’ve spent most of my life not paying much attention to the British monarchy, but the last few years have made that hard to do as Elizabeth and her husband Prince Philip passed and Harry and Meghan continue to jump in front of every camera within 50 feet (all while claiming a need for “privacy”). Most people will soon tire of his moaning—if they haven’t already—and the constantly aggrieved duo will try to find something else to garner attention. I’m guessing they’ll be hard-pressed to get anyone to care, but I’ve been wrong before. Who thought the Kardashians would still be a thing?

I don’t know what it’s like to be a prince, and I’m sure there were some tough circumstances in Harry’s life. All I know is, you don’t sell out your family for clicks, cash, and celebrity.


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