Have you ever looked across your foxhole and thought, “Why isn’t she wearing lipstick?”
Amid a run through bullet-bombarded air, has a lateral glimpse prompted, “Why aren’t his nails polished?”
While attempting to avoid being blown to kingdom come…in an effort to not be shrapnel-shattered and shell-splattered…in the midst of dodging a biologically-liquefying event…have you disdainfully ruminated, “Where are her earrings to match her grenade launcher”?
If Yes to any or all, I bring you terrific tidings: As hailed by Marie Claire, under President Joe Biden, “the U.S. Army [announces] changes to their regulation and grooming standards.”
— Marie Claire (@marieclaire) June 12, 2015
Finally, enlistees can truly be all they can be.
On January 26th, U.S. Army Public Affairs released its new policies.
“The Army must continue to…[foster] a culture of trust that accepts the experiences and backgrounds of every Soldier and civilian,” Lt. Gen. Gary Brito, Deputy Chief of Staff for Personnel explained.
“Our diverse workforce is a competitive advantage, and the Army must continue to offer fair treatment, access and opportunity across the force.”
Hence, per Public Affairs, recruits will enjoy “major revisions to Army Regulation 670-1, Wear and Appearance of Army Uniforms and Insignia, which will include guidance on wearing the new Army Green Service Uniform and several other key changes. … [T]he Army is also revising its grooming standards to support its…diversity and inclusion efforts.”
The brand-spanking version of 670-1 goes into effect February 24th.
Some soldiers will be pumped:
Major changes include implementation of the AGSU, clarified policy on breastfeeding or pumping in uniform, authorization for breastfeeding/pumping Soldiers to wear an optional undershirt, implementation of the Improved Hot Weather Combat Uniform, and full transition to the Operational Camouflage Pattern — removing references to the Universal Camouflage Pattern.
Approved grooming revisions include the following:
- Optional wear of earrings
- Optional wear of lipstick
- Optional wear of nail colors for women
- Optional wear of clear nail polish for men
But make no mistake — the opening of this article exaggerated the update:
Earrings will remain unauthorized in field environments, combat-related deployments or locations where access to normal hygiene is not available.
The Army’s also made changes to allowable hairstyles. Length requirements have been relaxed — fantastic for soldiers combatting their inner Crystal Gayle.
Speaking of, Armed Forces females can indeed make their brown eyes blue — see the 3.58-million-subscribed “Military Hair and Makeup Tutorial” here.
On top of that, “multiple hairstyles at once (i.e. braiding, twists or locs)” will now be permitted.
Additionally, soldiers can sport “ponytails if unable to form a bun, and may wear long ponytails while conducting physical training, in the combat uniform or when female Soldiers wear equipment such as, but not limited to, combat helmets.”
Conservative icon Rush Limbaugh’s asserted for years the military’s purpose is “to kill people and break things.” Sgt. Maj. Mark Anthony Clark — of the Army’s Office of the Deputy Chief of Staff for Personnel — ensured they’re on the ball about breakage.
“In an effort to stop hair damage and loss stemming from hairstyles like the bun, the Army approved healthier hairstyle options that are more inclusive of various natural styles.”
Sadly, purple’s still prohibited:
Soldiers will also be allowed to have a uniform hair color blend (also known as highlights) as long as it presents a natural appearance. However, purple, blue, pink, green, orange, bright red, fluorescent or neon colors, and some others will be [barred].
Lastly, for those of you slumped by lurid language, straighten up, shoulders back, head up — the Army’s giving you its attention:
[T]he revised regulation will not contain potentially offensive language used to describe several hairstyles — for example, “Mohawk, eccentric, faddish, Fu Manchu, dreadlock” — which will be replaced with alternative verbiage.
Some may have worried in recent years that the military’s gone soft.
Have no fear — as indicated by Lt. Gen. Brito, it’s merely a case of employee appreciation:
“We are continuously assessing our policies to identify areas for improvement, then implementing policies that demonstrate our commitment to ensuring all Soldiers feel as though they are valued members of the Army team. We know that actions speak louder than words when it comes to inclusivity and equity within our ranks, and we believe that the changes we announced today are one example of policies that put our people first.”
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