Blue Christmas: Pansexual Kazakstani Bodybuilder's Wife May Be Stuck in the Shop for Repairs

(Yanny Bruere/via AP)

 

Ahhh, Christmas — a time for lovers.

Fireplaces, coziness, mistletoe.

People gettin’ naked as the day they were born.

Or, molded.

But sometimes, folks have a Blue Christmas.

However cold and clammy your big day went, it probably wasn’t as lonely as Yuri Tolochko’s may be.

Just before everyone’s favorite holiday, the bodybuilder’s wife broke.

Therefore, he had to put her in the shop.

That had to hurt, because his beloved Margo’s a real doll:

Their romance began last year at a nightclub, where the two bounced into each other.

Literal sparks might’ve flown, had she not been treated with flame retardant.

Per the New York Post, chivalrous Yuri “rescued her from some unwanted attention.”

The guy seems like a fast mover; during their courtship, I bet he burned rubber.

By December, the bald, blue-eyed Kazakhstani was poppin’ the question.

I imagine Margo was surprised stiff.

In March, the duo had planned to tie the knot — something she could’ve done herself if only she were heated.

But it was too latex late — the pandemic had struck.

More tragedy was to come:

[Yuri] told the Daily Star that the wedding was delayed again after he was attacked during a transgender rally in the Kazakh city of Almaty on Oct. 31, when he suffered a concussion and a broken nose after dressing as a woman for the event.

In November, the acrylic couple entered into holey matrimony.

Here’s Metro with more:

According to local media reports, the union is legitimate because the only requirements for a wedding to take place in Kazakhstan are that both consenting parties have to be male and female and over 18 years old.

The bodybuilder, who identifies as pansexual, describes himself as a ‘blogger’ and ‘sexy maniac’ in his Instagram bio.

He told the Daily Star he can fall in love with ‘a character, an image, a soul, just a person’.

‘I like the process of sex itself. And gender, sexual orientation are not particularly important here,’ he explained.

Discussing his sex life with Margo, Yuri added: ‘Our story turns me on much more than sex itself.’

Over time, the big guy became really stuck on his bride. Probably nothing a little Armor All couldn’t cure.

Nonetheless, Yuri admits, he grew green with envy over his little Barbie/Stretch Armstrong. Perhaps it was just an allergic reaction.

“In general, I began to be jealous of Margo.”

Unlike his wife, Yuri comes across as a bit inflexible:

“Many men would like to imagine the same. After the wedding, I decided to show her less to people, I forbade her from Instagram (I did this a long time ago). Maybe I’m being too selfish.”

“But that’s the beauty of Margo,” he notes. “That I can do this to her and she won’t mind.”

Yuri’s crossing his fingers that she’s out of the shop by Christmas — which, in Kazakhstan, is January 7th.

If so, he says, the pair may just stay home and order “steaks and sushi.”

Or, perhaps, “have some fun with friends.”

Here’s hoping they make it a Christmas to remember.

After all, they’ve got real chemistry — I’m thinking something like CH2=C(CH3)CH=CH2.

See their Too-Hot-for-RedState lovin’ here.

And as we wish for the best, Have Yourself a Merry Little Kazakhstani Christmas.

-ALEX

 

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