In these Zombie Apocalypse times, if you’re buying toilet paper online, beware: You might find yourself scammed.

If I may put it in corn cob terms (and I believe I can), you could think you’re ordering this…

Weekly Feature: Potentially large US corn crop looming. https://t.co/aRQXxG43or pic.twitter.com/dbTLej4Ijx

— World Grain (@worldgrain) April 26, 2020

…and wind up with this:

Quorn Katsu Curry with Wholegrain, Red & Wild Rice

People say #vegan food is time consuming. It's not. I like to cook from scratch but this evening I fancied something quick.

Quorn fillet & Uncle Ben's katsu sauce. Ready made rice & stir fried baby corn & sugar snap peas pic.twitter.com/YPgTJqN8cU

— Aaron Calder Vegan (@Aaronvegan) May 3, 2019

That’s right: Fear the mini-roll.

As reported by The Charlotte Observer, Florida’s Shirley Ann Hodges told McLatchy News she bought 12 rolls of spooled white gold for $16.99 online. The Amazon goods came courtesy of Asia, and when they arrived around the first of the month, she was shocked — like Joe Biden, they weren’t adequate for any kind of big job:

Still, she was scared to return ’em:

“Yeah, they took advantage of us. I put some in Easter baskets as gag gifts. I didn’t send it back. What happens if I get desperate?”

North Carolinian Hector Cruz got chapped, too: He ordered a 10-pack for $14.99, and what arrived looked like it was made by Little Debbie.

Here's what the proposed CA warning label might look like on Little Debbie Swiss Rolls (in which red + yellow + blue dyes = *brown*): pic.twitter.com/5vSobhzWj9

— CSPI (@CSPI) February 24, 2017

Or for a very little Debbie.

Here’s Hector’s booty…for his booty:

And it gets worse.

From the Observer:

Stranger still is an incident reported April 16 by blogger J.R. Reed in Medium.com, involving a 12-pack of toilet paper that arrived in an envelope — minus the cardboard rolls.

“This is what happens to people in the early days of the pandemic, with people hoarding toilet paper,” Reed wrote. “You force people like my girlfriend who are very intelligent and extremely sane to order Chinese toilet paper off Amazon.”

No matter how spoiled we as Americans are, when times get tough, we can whittle right down to what we treasure most. Hence, as noted by Marketplace Pulse, Amazon’s top search for March concerned that merciful cloudlike companion we all adore.

Leave it to tricksters to remind us that online shopping ain’t always what it’s cracked up to be.

You’ve heard “You are what you eat”? If you ask me, the retail wretchedness of these crappy con-artists makes them the same as what they sell. I’ll let you finish that thought, but it’s a compound word that may or may not contain the word “wipe.”

To avoid said huckters, Digital Trends offers some advice on how to pounce on that paper and score some septic superiority:

[T]ype “toilet paper” into Google, and then select the Shopping option on the search page. Google will list all of the toilet paper that’s for sale on the shopping page. They’ve also created a policy [of removing] any options that include price gouging, which can make your search a little less frustrating.

Once you’ve found a pack, don’t wait! Load your cart with as many packs as you need and head straight to the checkout and complete your order. This will keep your TP from getting snipped away from you.

Good talk, Coach.

If only fliers could’ve been dropped from planes…

A moment of silence for the fallen among us:

It wasn’t so long ago, people were embarrassed to buy for the bathroom — the rule was, always take something else to the register with you.

My, how far we’ve come. Sometimes, there’s a downside to straightening your priorities:

Good luck out there. May you find quality rolls. Many.

Not mini.

-ALEX

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