Achoo!!!!

Sorry — I’m allergic to ridiculousness.

After that sneeze, I might wanna reach for a Kleenex — in particular, a Kleenex Extra Large. It used to be called a Mansize tissue, but that greatly upset some very sensitive, snotty people.

According to Kleenex’s parent company, Kimberly-Clark, the booger bohemoth made the change after 60 years of Mansize product sitting on the shelves in the UK. Here’s an official statement:

“Thanks to recent feedback we are now rebranding our Mansize tissues to Kleenex Extra Large. Consumers may see the new name on our larger boxes in stores already.”

Were women insulted by the insinuation that they’re unable to have giant, dude-level slimy/crusty nose goblins? How dare they! #BelieveAllWomenWithBoogers.

In case you’re wondering how the product came about, the tissues were introduced at a time when men carried handkerchiefs. They were meant as a disposable alternative.

On the box, the Mansize version was described as “confidently soft with a touch of silk.” How insulting.

Kimberly-Clark explained:

“Kimberly-Clark in no way suggests that being both soft and strong is an exclusively masculine trait, nor do we believe that the Mansize branding suggests or endorses gender inequality. Our Mansize tissues remain one of our most popular products, with 3.4 million people buying these tissues every year.”

Shew. I feel better now.

I wonder if a toilet company makes “man-size” bowls for extra-large volume. Surely some left-wing women will want to be credited with just as hefty a commode load as the next big-boned, massive-appetited, carnivorous fella.

Lisa Hancox is likely one of ’em:

“Hi @Kleenex_UK. My 4yo son asked me what was written here. Then he asked, why are they called mansize? Can girls, boys & mummies use them? I said: I don’t know & yes of course. He suggests you should call them ‘very large tissues’. It is 2018. So @Kleenex_UK could you help me tell my son why they’re still called Mansize? And will you consider renaming them to Extra Large tissues? Or do women and children not need bigger tissues?”

So @Kleenex_UK could you help me tell my son why they’re still called Mansize? And will you consider renaming them to Extra Large tissues? Or do women and children not need bigger tissues?

— Lisa Hancox (@LisaMHancox) October 10, 2018

And then:

“Hi @Kleenex_UK id really like a genuine response to our questions. Is this possible please?”

Hi @Kleenex_UK id really like a genuine response to our questions. Is this possible please?

— Lisa Hancox (@LisaMHancox) October 11, 2018

Kleenex responded with…perfection:

“Thank you for sharing your concern. We recently made changes to our Mansize branding and will now be labeled Extra Large, keep an eye out in shops. If you would like more information please fill up our form http://spr.ly/6017DftuB  or call our consumer service 0800 626 008.”

Thank you for sharing your concern. We recently made changes to our Mansize branding and will now be labeled Extra Large, keep an eye out in shops. If you would like more information please fill up our form https://t.co/mA83NBCWDX or call our consumer service 0800 626 008.

— Kleenex_UK (@Kleenex_UK) October 12, 2018

Told ya:

“Perfect.”

Perfect 👌🏻

— Lisa Hancox (@LisaMHancox) October 12, 2018

What’s next? Manwich, LOOK OUT, Jack!

And speaking of Jack, Hungryjack, your days are numbered! What about Hungry Jill????

And Hungry-Man frozen dinners? You ice-cold b*stards.

It’s a tough world out there. But not as tough and strong and masculine and big as women. Make no mistake: men ain’t got nothin’ on the ladies. Especially when it comes to what gets blown out of people’s noses. Congratulations, feminists: you’re officially gross.

See 3 more pieces from me: Alex Jones & craziness, Winnie the Pooh in China, and Steven Seagal gets official.

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