In my last Caregiver's Diary entry, I wrote about what I call "decision fatigue" and how sometimes, when things get to be too much, I talk to mom about it and turn the reins back over to her to the extent that she can handle them.
I wanted to bounce off of that one a bit to discuss the small gestures and how they mean so much when you're in a similar place of overwhelm, whether you're in a caregiver role or any other role that involves a lot of responsibility falling on your shoulders as it relates to managing or caring for other people.
SEE ALSO (VIP) -->> Caregiver's Diary Part 35: You Are Enough
Sometimes I've been in the laundry room doing laundry things, and all I was able to think about was that after I'm done, I need to do the dishes. Then there are the other things, like refilling the cereal containers, restocking the bathrooms with toilet paper and other essentials. Oh, and the clothes need to be folded and put away.
These may seem like small, insignificant tasks, but when you've already got a lot on your plate, adding anything extra can be a tipping point for frustration and anxiety.
Probably for the last year or so, I've been emphasizing with mom how her stepping in and washing those couple of dishes, or folding those clothes, goes a long way towards lessening the stress load.
We've developed a pretty good system on this, I think. I'll put the clothes on to wash and then in the dryer, and then I'll bring them to her to fold if I'm also working. When there are a few dishes in the sink, like after we've had breakfast or lunch, she'll go into the kitchen later and wash them if I haven't already gotten to them.
After she's done with what she can do, sometimes I see her walking back with her walker to the recliner, and she looks a little tired. I'll tell her "thank you so much," and what she'll say to me every once in a while is something along the lines of "I know it wasn't much" or "I don't feel like I helped much."
I know this stems from the fact that she can't do as much as she used to, when she was Command Central for all things related to home and family. My dad was the same way, sometimes, but in his case, he'd say, "I feel worthless," something we strongly tried to discourage him from feeling.
I think I've gotten through to mom on this, though. When she says she feels like it "wasn't much," I let her know that though the task might have been small, the gesture was huge.
First and foremost, it keeps her active and moving and contributing to the household, all things that are very important to her as she navigates through the golden years. But secondly, it helps me, lightening my load a bit. And believe me, anyone who does anything on that front - especially mom - when they do that, I definitely notice it and appreciate it.
There was one time several weeks ago when I was dragging the laundry down the hall to the laundry room (which is next to the kitchen), and I had it in my mind that there were dishes I needed to take care of while I was in there in addition to a few other things.
That feeling of overwhelm hit right as I rounded the corner by the fridge, but as I passed by the sink, expecting to see the dishes, they weren't there. She'd taken care of them.
It sounds crazy, but I breathed a sigh of relief and smiled. It was a small responsibility, yes, but knowing she'd been in there to do it meant the world to me, reaffirmed that she was still going to be doing - and still wanted to do - "mom things" to the extent she could. Plus, it crossed something off my "to-do" list, which was an added bonus.
After I got the clothes on to wash, I went back into the living room and remarked to her that she had put a big smile on my face with that simple act.
"Oh, it wasn't much," she replied, with a Mona Lisa smile.
"You're wrong," I responded to her, reaching over to take her hand. "It was everything."
DIVE DEEPER: To check out my previous Caregiver's Diary entries, please click here. Thank you!
