When he was still with us, my dad's answer to the question of "what would you like for lunch" became a running joke in our family.
The last few years of his life, Dad's preference more and more was to eat out rather than have a home-cooked meal, which suited Mom just fine most of the time, since there were many days when she was just too tired to cook.
About half the time, he'd have a specific place in mind. The other half of the time, he'd suggest to Mom and me that we decide where to go.
So I'd suggest something, like our favorite local diner.
"Eh. That might be too heavy on my stomach," he'd say.
So mom would then throw out an idea. That one wouldn't be good, either.
By the time we'd all gone back and forth for a few minutes, we'd wind back up at square one, and usually he'd end up making the call.
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As I transitioned to being mom's full-time caregiver after we lost dad in June of 2022, I learned pretty quickly that more often than not, decisions about things big and small were going to fall on me.
Mom was not only dealing with grief from losing dad (so was I, but in a different way), but she was also continuing to deal with a yet-to-be-determined health issue that was causing her to be nauseous to the point she had to go to the hospital emergency room twice in the month after we said goodbye to dad.
The doctor appointments picked up that summer and going into fall, as we tried to figure out what was going on, with me coordinating the appointments so mom didn't feel so overwhelmed. Then came the day in October 2022 that she was diagnosed with colon cancer, and both of our lives changed dramatically, with me vowing to be her eyes and ears from that day forward on any matter related to her healthcare.
Ground Zero for my sisters and me, my dad, and my grandmother (her mom) for so many years had been mom, who took care of everything, smoothed over the rough patches, helped heal the wounds, and came to the rescue when you needed a shoulder to lean on - or someone to go to the mat on your behalf.
But though mom was still (and always will be) mom and was (and still is) doing mom things, the role reversals were an inevitable thing as I increasingly took on the decision making on things she would have in the past, and that went for not just the major decisions but also for the seemingly minute ones...
... like where to go/what to have for lunch.
Now, one might think a decision like that wouldn't be a big deal in the scheme of things, and most of the time, they'd be right. But when you're in a caregiver role or any other type of role where you are the person who has the most responsibility on your shoulders and you're the one having to make the decisions on just about everything, adding one more to the list can be even more draining.
I'm incredibly grateful to be in the position where I can take care of my mom, that I can work from home, and provide, give her the TLC she needs, and take the time when needed to drive her to an appointment (or go to my own).
But some days I just don't want to decide. Some days I want to just sit in the recliner and veg and not contemplate decisions that need to be made about house upkeep, grocery lists, lunch menus, what to watch on TV, etc.
I call it "decision fatigue." And it is a real thing.
I've communicated with mom about this, and she's told me she understands because that's how it was for her sometimes while caring for my dad. She's told me that on days like the ones where I just need her to take the reins to the extent she can, to let her know.
Monday was one of those days. Our trash didn't get picked up. Happens roughly once a month, where a call has to be made to the county about it. I went to pick up the phone to call them, and she said, "Let me do it." So she did, and hopefully they'll come tomorrow.
At dinnertime, and as I was in the middle of working, I asked her if she wanted leftovers from lunch or something else. She told me she'd get something if she wanted it and for me not to worry about it.
There are day-to-day things mom used to do that she can't do anymore, but when she does offer up help, I appreciate it - not just because it helps me but, more importantly, it helps her to feel more like herself, that she's contributing more to the household, which is a win-win for us both.
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