7 Ways Hillary Clinton Is NOT Like My Abuela

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton acknowledges supporters after filing papers to be on the nation's earliest presidential primary ballot, Monday, Nov. 9, 2015, in Concord, N.H. (AP Photo/Jim Cole)

Hillary Clinton is doing her best to campaign as the first Latina President, much like her husband is referred to as “the first black President.” In fact, she’s vying for this so badly, her campaign website published an article titled “7 Ways Hillary Clinton Is Just Like Your Abuela.”

Although now you may notice the title has been quietly changed to something her PR team thought was a little less racist and transparent, so it now reads “7 Things Hillary Clinton Has In Common With Your Abuela.”

There. Now it doesn’t sound like a desperate grab for votes from a certain demographic at all.

Well, here’s the thing, I had an abuela (God rest her soul) and I must declare that Hillary Clinton is nothing like my abuela in any way imaginable. For instance:

1) My abuela never had the FBI investigate her emails.

She never had the FBI investigate her in any form or fashion, actually. Mi abuelita lived la buena vida (the good life), always played by the rules, and never presumed she was above the law. She respected the law, although in her house, she did make the laws.

2) My abuela believed it took a family to raise a child, not an entire village.

If there was anything my abuelita disliked, it was interference from an outsider, especially when it came to her precious mijita. Grandmother knows best? Sure. But someone ELSE’s grandmother knowing what’s best? Nope. Not happening. Ever.

3) So far as I know, my abuela never blamed one of her mistakes on an internet video.

Being the abuela she was, she didn’t make many mistakes. But on the rare occasion it occurred, she definitely never blamed it on a YouTube video. On a related note, whenever my abuela was responsible for someone’s safety, she took it very seriously. Some grandmothers do have different morals though, I guess.

4) My abuela never contributed to the destabilization of the entire Middle East.
Most of my abuela’s time was spent in the kitchen cooking for the family, or sometimes just for a last minute visitor. She certainly didn’t concern herself with matters like authorizing a war in Iraq. And although she was a friendly lady, I’m 110% sure she never had anything to do with the Muslim Brotherhood, who by the way, was just deemed a terrorist organization by the United Kingdom.

5) Nobody ever paid my abuela $335,000 to give an hour long speech to a corporation.

But she was a secretary for a school district and she sure could have used that money. Unfortunately for my abuela, she had to work long and hard hours for the measly paycheck she received. My abuela never saw $335,000 in her life, which was fine with her because she didn’t concern herself much with how much money she- or anyone else- had.

6) My abuela never tried to make herself look gritty by completely lying about being under sniper fire in Bosnia.

One of my abuela’s biggest pet peeves was lying. Being a good grandmother, she also practiced what she preached, and she did not lie or make things up that didn’t happen. Which brings me to my final point:

7) My abuela didn’t make up stories about herself for attention.

Admittedly, my abuela’s name was not “Hillary.” But rest assured that if it was, she certainly would not have wholly fabricated that she was named after Sir Edmund Hillary. With my abuela, what you saw was what you got. She didn’t pander to anyone with the desperate hope that they would like her. But again, my abuela did have high morals.

One thing Hillary Clinton actually DOES have in common with my late abuela? Being completely out of touch with the younger generation. Keep trying, Hillary. One day, there might be someone out there who doesn’t see straight through your transparent ploys to gain votes.