Whew! That was a close one. No matter what is in the drinking water, I no longer have to worry about impending Zombie Apocalypse. The CDC expends government monies to explain below.

“CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms).”

The most recent outbreak of zombie rumors was spawned when a man in Miami ate the face off of another individual. Authorities state that he stoned himself to the moon on a hallucinogenic synthetic narcotic known on the streets as “Bath Salts.” For the Mike Bloomberg wannabes, this is the best thing since “Reefer Madness.” The time to act is !NOW!

The question this raises in my mind revolves around why anyone would still believe in zombies. George Romero movies are awesome, but I watch them for the laughs, not enlightenment. I tend to think people identify with what zombies stand for. We all fear mindless mass public actions. Forming lynch mobs, rioting at rock concerts and signing recall petitions against Governor Scott Walker all serve as examples of mass actions that can’t be explained by reason or logic. This frightens all us who prefer small groups of people who remain in a relaxed and happy mood.

Movies, stories and urban legends about zombies have gained popularity as mass actions such as urban riots, flash-mobs and your typical Occupy Movement encampment became increasingly news-worthy. The flesh-eating zombies became a perfect symbol for the stupidity and destructive nature of aimless mass violence. The stories of zombie apocalypse are a modern parable. Dawn of The Dead could serve as a secular Book of Revelation.*

So contra the CDC; do zombies exist? In a metaphorical sense; yes they can! They are a symbol of the brain-dead mass action that makes malignant concepts like The Presidency of Jimmy Carter all too possible despite all of our best efforts to educate the populace.

How do we kill that which symbolizes our irrational, subconscious fears regarding the deracination and baseness of our fellow human beings? This is achieved through aggressive calmness, forthright reason and repeated involvement. We state what we believe. We explain what we believe. We repeat what we believe. We counter the emotion of mass movements with the soothing balm of reasoned philosophy which has seen modern civilization through its periods of darkness since first espoused by moral giants such as Edmund Burke.

Whether we refer to it as “Zombie Apocalypse,” “Liberal Fascism,” “Hope and Change,” or just choose to blame the whole phenomenon on Good Old Reefer Madness; we are the ones that can hold the cure. Conservatism can reground society in the fundamental traditions that allow it to function in a positive and edifying fashion. Liberalism is the ideology of blind, stupid emotion. Voting for Mitt Romney and preventing liberals from making important decisions therefore makes the dreaded Zombie Apocalypse significantly less likely.