In Other News, Pennsylvania Health Department Issues Safety Tips for COVID-Free Orgies

In Other News, Pennsylvania Health Department Issues Safety Tips for COVID-Free Orgies
AP Photo/Jae C. Hong, File

As hospitals across America have continued to experience surges in numbers of COVID cases, we’ve been told everything from how our kids should trick-or-treat, to how many people we should limit at our Thanksgiving dinners — preferably eaten outside — and, as bobble-headed Dr. Fauci now says, “we’re probably not gonna be able to do Christmas,” the Pennsylvania Department of Health has issued yet another set of guidelines:

Preferred COVID Orgy Regulations.

The Pennsylvania Secretary of Health, Dr. Rachel Levine (formerly: ”Richard”), who in October urged Pennsylvanians to ”download the COVID Alert PA so you can get a notification if you’ve been in close contact with someone who later tests positive for #COVID19, or anonymously notify other residents if you test positive,” apparently believes that orgies — which her department refers to as “large gatherings where you might end up having sex” — are good to go.

As a result, the PA Health Department has issued a few “safety tips” for orgy fans.

“Large gatherings are not safe during COVID-19, but if you attend a large gathering where you might end up having sex, below are tips to reduce your risk of spreading or getting COVID-19 through sex.”

“Large gatherings where you might end up having sex.” Just me?

“Honey? Hey, I was thinking; that party at the Browns’, tonight? Yeah, so remember, if we end up having sex, no kissing.” “Oh, that’s right! Thanks for reminding me, babe!”

So here ya go, boys and girls; safety tips for orgies — planned, or spontaneous.

Limit the number of partners.

Try to identify a consistent sex partner.

Wear a face covering, avoid kissing, and do not touch your eyes, nose, or mouth with unwashed hands.

Wash your hands with soap and water often, and especially before and after sex. If soap and water are not available use an alcohol-based hand sanitizer.

If you usually meet your sex partners online, consider taking a break from in-person dates. Video dates, sexting, subscription-based fan platforms, or chat rooms may be options for you.

That last tip sounds reasonable, right?

Anyway, Democrat Gov. Tom Wolf’s recent list of “dos and don’ts” doesn’t appear to leave Pennsylvanians much leeway for Dr. Levine’s orgies — COVID-responsible, or otherwise.

Like I said, maybe it’s just me. Then again, 2020.

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