Editor's Note: In an attempt to lighten the political mood, the following article contains humor, puns, intraservice rivalries, and satirical points. Nothing should be taken seriously. Except for the beards. 

On Monday, July 15th, former President Donald Trump announced that he had selected Republican Senator James David Vance from Ohio as his running mate. Given that I base my political judgments solely on a candidate's facial hair, lack thereof, or another personal or physical trait, I was pleased when Trump selected Vance and announced that decision on the first day of the Republican National Convention in Milwaukee.

My first reaction to Senator JD Vance being selected was pride. Vance happens to be a fellow Marine, serving from 2003-2007 with a short, six-month tour in Iraq with the 2nd Marine Aircraft Wing as a combat correspondent Marine. Granted, Vance was not a "grunt" but rather a POG (Person Other than Grunt), and he still wore the uniform of the best branch of the armed forces. The Marine Dress Blue uniform has been giving ugly Marines a chance with the prom Queen since 1775, and these are facts. 

In addition to his status as a Marine Veteran, Senator JD Vance is one of the very few men in national politics with a full beard; yes, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) technically counts with his mutton-chops-looking beard, but it is a beard nonetheless. But it is Vance who has broken down the follicle front door of politics. While Vance's facial forest is no Paul Bunyan, he will potentially be the first vice president in the history of the United States with a full beard. No, VP Schuyler Colfax (serving under President Ulysses S. Grant) technically did not have a full beard, as his upper lip lay barren and isolated, unprotected, and exposed to the elements. 

Nothing says more than a strong man with a strong beard to accompany him, I'm not saying that a clean-shaven man is not strong -- or am I? Some men on this planet are blessed with the ability to grow a beard, or at least a well-populated goatee or mustache, while some are destined to live their lives as follicly-challenged individuals, with faces representing a baby's bottom, lacking the armor that beards provide. It has been scientifically proven that beards can provide more protection in a fistfight than a cleanly-shaven mug. The Nobel Prize-winning study conducted by University of Utah biology professor David Carrier in 2020 found that beards act almost as natural armor. 

They determined that “fully furred samples” were capable of absorbing more energy than samples that had been plucked or sheared.

“Peak force was 16% greater and total energy absorbed was 37% greater in the furred compared to the plucked samples. These differences were due in part to a longer time frame of force delivery in the furred samples. These data support the hypothesis that human beards protect vulnerable regions of the facial skeleton from damaging strikes,” according to the team’s research article, which was published in the journal Integrative Organismal Biology in April 2020.

I have worn my beard for the past 12 years, having decided long ago that because I am bald (I lost all my hair in Iraq, and now my head hair lives vicariously through my face), I must maintain facial greatness much to my wife's chagrin, as she is not a huge fan, but has succumbed to the realization that she just has to accept the fact that I will not shave it. 

While I personally believe that I maintain a much better, eloquent, and warrior-esk man-mane than Senator JD Vance, he still maintains a respectable amount of facial coverage. Vance now has a solemn responsibility and the duty to maintain his beard for the sake of continuing to give voice to the voiceless of political beards, especially from the strong and capable conservative men. He cannot fold to the pressure of those who would say beards have no place in the political arena, as I was once told by a friend of mine. I was and still am contemplating a run for my local school board, and he confided in me that I had to shave my beard if I was to have any chance of getting elected. The thought of shaving my beard never entered my mind and it should never enter the mind of Senator Vance.

Vance must not fold to any pressure to shave his beard, for if he folds on his sacred duty to protect his beard, I shall fold on my vote to elect him and Donald Trump. Protecting the good of the beard is more important than anything else, as we need to make beards great again. We need to bring this nation back to the times of Presidents Ulysses S. Grant, Rutherford B. Hayes, and James Garfield, where beards were not just worn by men, they were celebrated. Do the right thing, Senator Vance, keep the beard, and you can keep my vote.